I just looked at the date on my last post. Shameful! I cannot believe that I haven’t posted in a week! I have really been slacking and I have no real excuse. Recently, I’ve had a lot of blog topics floating around in my head. I have composed so many blogs in my mind, but haven’t been motivated to write them down. Everytime I sit down at the computer, I get restless and it gets harder and harder for me to put pen to paper and produce a post. Even a short one! I am in a bad, bad way. Finally, tonight (on Valentine’s Day), I forced myself to sit down and start massaging my keyboard. The reason why? Remember that post I wrote a few years ago saying that I was seeking drama? Well, the Brown Girl has found something to shake up my life. Sorta… I am still too protective of myself to really let down my guard, but the craziness came right to my doorstep. I had been working on one post in particular, but then something happened that interrupted our regularly scheduled blog and forced me to write this:
I met someone recently who made me wish that I were someone else. Which surprised the hell out of me. For the most part, this is a foreign feeling. I mean, aside from wishing I were Beyonce or Halle Berry or Eva Mendes from time to time, I am generally happy being the lovely little brown girl that I am. Rarely, do I wish to be someone completely different. But, the person type of person that I’ve been craving to become has pretty much shocked the hell out of me.
I was indirectly introduced to a certain person (he knows who he is and is probably reading this right now) by a mutual friend. In fact, she introduced me to several people on the same day, but somehow, he and I connected. In the days (yes... DAYS... this isn't some long term thing) since we were introduced, we have spent significant amounts of time chatting about a variety of things. I find him attractive and I am MORE than sure that the attraction is mutual. The chemistry is palpable. He’s funny, smart, educated, politicized, professional, charming, and a variety of other characteristics that, if I continued to list them, would make you question whether this man is real. But he is very real. He is also very... E-N-G-A-G-E-D.
Yes - engaged.
To a woman (thank God). I’m sure she is lovely. But, her existence is really very inconsequential to me. Every now and again during my very flirtatious conversations with said man, I will ask questions about her. And he is more than willing to share details, if I ask. But, I don’t ask about her because I’m interested, I ask about her because I am trying to remind myself that she is very present in his life.
Now, the one thing I am adamant about is respecting relationships. I am the type of person that will cut a man off without further discussion if I find that he is involved, or – God forbid – married or engaged to be married. You see, I am a firm believer in karma. Especially since the Lord recently blessed me by taking care of my last ex. Mr. Ex got everything he deserved thanks be to God - literally. And I don’t want to get myself into a position where I am treating someone badly. Because I fear that decisions I make now could boomerang and disrupt my future life, I try to stay away from trouble and try my darnedest to stay out of sticky situations. But this time, trouble and temptation found its way right to my front door.
Believe me – I I know I should force myself to respect this man’s relationship. But, deep down inside, I really don’t WANT to respect it. I WANT to cross that line. I don’t even know this man well, he's a virtual stranger, but the temptation is very real. At least three acquaintances have admitted that they have been involved with married men. I was so passionate, vehement about the wrongness of their actions. I won’t lie – I judged them (In spite of my promise to stop being so judgmental in 2008. Oh well, resolutions are made to be broken!). I didn’t understand why a person would even allow themselves to be attracted to a man who is spoken for. I always assumed that if a man told me he was taken, it would be a huge turnoff. Well… not so much. I thought that I was be disgusted, but… I was strangely intrigued. And I was disgusted with myself because of it.
And here’s where I start wishing I was someone else. I wish I was that girl who could not care that a man is engaged. Who could just say, “The ring is not on his finger yet, so for my purposes, he’s still single.” I wish I could be the woman who said, “Sex is sex. It means nothing more than that.” The type of woman who lacked morals and values and was decidedly unconcerned with karma and the after effects of cheating. Who didn’t take to heart sayings like “what goes around comes around.”
But unfortunately, I am not that woman. I am just a Lovely Brown Girl. A woman who is unable to sleep with another woman’s man and then look herself in the mirror. A woman who recognizes that this ongoing flirtation will lead to nothing good in the long-run. A woman who’s heart still suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of having been cheated on repeatedly.
Those of you who know me are probably feeling extremely uncomfortable right now. I am always the voice of reason, always the one who makes an irrational situation rational, the little voice that is your conscience. The Earth seems thrown off its axis when a person like me starts thinking illogically. Those of you who don’t know me are probably judging me, but trust me when I say that you do not know how you will respond in this situation until you have actually been in this situation. What a revelation that is… I never would’ve guessed. Me, who’s normally so adamant about not crossing any lines has finally been tempted. Scandalous…
I think part of the reason I am so intrigued is because of my current situation. Tonight, I am at home and it's Valentine’s Day. Kinda pathetic, right? I’m sitting on the couch watching reruns of Law & Order: SVU (a favorite). I went to the store and picked out the perfect V-Day cards and gifts for my parents just to have something to do after work. I decided that I should have something chocolate on V-Day, so I bought the ingredients to make fudge brownies and they are now in the oven. My dog is here. But aside from Capone, I am alone.
Earlier today, that’s what I focused on - being alone. I put on a happy face and smiled as coworkers received flowers, candy, and balloons from significant others. I listened to friends in similar positions whine about being dateless. And, of course, I flirted shamelessly with every man who did not belong to me throughout the day, just to remind myself that I am desirable in spite of being unattached. (totally unlike myself) It was a cheap trick, but a good solution to help me to remember that I’m quite a catch. LOL! I needed that reminder.
But, tonight, as I sit on my couch and the scent of chocolate brownies fills the air, I realize that I may be alone, but I am far from lonely. And I don’t have to be depressed because I don't have a date tonight. I also don’t have to amuse myself by flirting with men who are already taken. I am content. I just sometimes forget that.
When I sat down to write this, I could've spent a bunch of time talking about how he’s wrong for flirting when he is engaged. But, hey, people are gonna flirt. Just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean that you’re dead, blind, deaf, etc. He hasn't crossed any lines. His mere presence just caused me to be interested in crossing them... but that's not his fault. I’m keeping blame out of this post because it's more important for me to admit my personal responsibility for wanting to take things too far. I can’t control what this man does or how he behaves, but I CAN control my own actions and behaviors. And I’ve decided that I’m going to continue to respect relationships.
This one time I wish I could be a different person and just taste what it’s like to live life on the other side of the coin.
But I already know that I would only end up in trouble with a capital “T”!