A piece of my mind/New Year's cleanse

I don’t know about y’all, but for me… 2009 isn’t getting off to that great of a start. The month of January is almost half-done and I’m just now posting for the first time this year. That’s bad. Really bad. I also have a list of “resolutions” (or “goals”… whatever you prefer) that I haven’t even begun to start! This time last year, I was making steady progress on the goals I’d set out to accomplish. This year… not so much. Anyway, I’m not gonna beat myself up over it. When I told my boy D that I was disappointed in myself for starting 2009 off on the wrong foot he cracked up laughing and said, “What did you expect to accomplish at this point? We’re only two weeks into the New Year! Stop being ridiculous!!” And he’s right. I am being ridiculous and much too hard on myself (as usual). I have another 50 weeks to get on the ball. That should be plenty of time to get serious about my goals (I hope!).

Anyway, you may remember that for the last two years, I’ve been doing some sort of cleansing (spiritual or physical) at the beginning of the year. Well, this year, I decided to do a mental and emotional cleansing (you’ll get an idea of what I mean below) … and boy did it feel great!!

And now… today’s topic:

Ok, so being a blogger is tough. And one of the hardest parts about being a blogger is coming up with original topics that your readers might find interesting. As you know, I am a fan of several other blogs. I read them because I find them interesting and I admire the stories told and the writing styles featured in each of them. But reading other writers is difficult because I’ll read something and think “I know a story like that” or “Wow, this post is really making me have some thoughts of my own that I’d like to share”. And, then… I’ve come up with a blog topic, but it’s not original. When I would write research papers in high school, I would always ask my mother to read them over to make sure that I wasn’t plagiarizing. The administrators at my school put fear in my heart about plagiarism, threatening us with the possibility of suspension or even expulsion, and being the goodie-two-shoes that I am, I’ve been extremely sensitive to the issue ever since. but when I’d be sitting there sweating bullets over whether I’d cited the sources to back up every argument in my paper, my mother would always say, “Nothing that’s written or spoken is original anyway. Somebody’s written it or said it all before.” And, in a way, she’s right. But even though she’s right, I just don’t feel good about swiping an idea from another writer.

That’s why it’s really funny that today’s post comes from my friend Tasha’s blog. And Tasha herself swiped it from another blog she reads called “I’m Quietly Judging You”. The blogger at “I’m Quietly Judging You” is a Midwesterner who’s been living in New York for the last few years. She’s returning to her hometown soon and decided that a good way to end her time in New York would be to tell everyone she befriended in New York exactly what she thinks of them (without using any names or identifying characteristics). And she included the good, the bad, and the ugly thoughts she had about everyone of those people. The blogger at “Quietly Judging” actually did this for 50 people. Tasha did it for only about 10 people, but the post really resonated with me. I am not trying to be mean or spiteful with anything that I say. These are just things that I’m thinking, but would never actually verbalize because… well… because I am not generally an asshole. Anyway, I personally think that doing this sort of thing will be really cathartic and cleansing and is a radical way to end a year/begin a new year. By doing this, I’ll learn a lot about myself and also learn a lot about my genuine feelings for those people that I choose to address in this post. I will not use names or identifying characteristics. I will try to be concise about each one. And, no, I will not tell you which one of these is about you, so don’t ask!

So, yes, I am jacking a blog topic that’s already been done by two other bloggers. I don’t feel GOOD about stealing the idea, but that doesn’t mean I’m ABOVE it.

Now, onto the task at hand…

1. I don’t know what I would do without you. Even before I took my first breath, you were caring for me. You’ve been my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. The best parts of me come from you. But, unfortunately, because of you, I do not take risks and cannot make decisions. Because of you, I am afraid to do so many things.

2. I wish you would stop making excuses… about everything! Get off your ass and do something! Stop being afraid of everything! You are a miserable and insecure person and it shows. Everyone wants the best for you, but you will never realize your dreams because you have to want that for yourself... and you don’t want it. In spite of all that, you are a wonderful friend and I still like you.

3. Men love you, women envy you, but you are not as cute as you think you are. You think you are advanced for your age, but you are actually very immature. I was drawn to you because I thought you were confident and grounded but really you are one of the most insecure people I’ve ever met. You are also an attention whore (I believe this stems from your insecurities) and it shows in everything you do and say. But you are a solid friend.

4. You are one of the most selfish people I’ve ever known. Everything is about you all the time. I feel sorry for anyone who tries to love you because everyone else’s feelings are secondary to your own. You are chasing a dream that may never come true, which at one point seemed ambitious, but now is becoming pathetic.

5. You are inconsistent and sometimes you drive me crazy! But I think you’re great. And I especially love that you have no idea how wonderful you are. You are one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, one of the funniest, one of the most supportive. I like you. A lot. And I hope that you like me, too.

6. I wish you were smarter, less self-centered, and a little more “polished”. But you have been a very good friend to me.

7. I watched you make the biggest mistake of your life. You ruined a perfectly good thing. You let it all go because you are spoiled and suffer from an entitlement complex. You think you’ve won, but you’ve really lost. Big time. Despite all this, I still like you and want to see you end up on top.

8. All of my insecurities come from you. Because of you, I will never fully trust another man. You were the worst boyfriend a woman could ever have. You wounded my self-esteem. At one point I was in love with you, but now I do not even like you. At your core, I think you are a bad person. I forgive you for what you did, but I will never forget.

9. You have suffered so much loss in your life and handled it all so gracefully. I hope that I will react and rebound in a similar manner when/if faced with the same. You achieved what you have because of things that I did for you and now someone else is reaping the benefits, which makes me sad. But still, I am proud of you and what/who you have become.

10. I don’t really know you well, which is a shame because we have the same blood coursing through our veins. We have nothing in common. If we were not related, I do not think we would be friends. I know you are unhappy and I wish that you would do something to improve your situation. I know you won't, though. But I love you and I am proud of you and I thank you for the two gifts that you have given me.

11. Every conversation I have with you stresses me out. Everything you say to me is negative. Because of you and your domineering persona, I have lost all direction in life. Every complex I have about men stems from my relationship with you. I owe my independent spirit and glibness to you. You are one of the smartest people I know, but just because you’re smart it doesn’t mean you know it all. Everything you do annoys me. And every time I look at you I know that I’ll never be good enough in your eyes. Yet, I love you and continue to seek your approval.

12. You’re beautiful both inside and out even though you act as if you don’t know it. We can go for long periods of time without talking to each other yet pick up right where we left off. You are funny and supportive.

13. I have never met a more judgmental person. You are not smarter than everyone else and you need to stop acting like it. I have watched you make some really, really dumb mistakes and yet you continue to judge other people in that holier than thou manner of yours. But I admire your courage and your ability to act without caring what other people think of you and your decisions.

14. You are kind, caring, and sweet. You are one of my best friends. I think you have some issues that you need to resolve. You should stop engaging in such risky behavior because it is a cry for help.

15. Both of you are beautiful, funny, and smart and you deserve nothing but the best out of life. I hope that you accomplish whatever you set your minds to do. You are strong and independent. I love you as though you were my own. I wish I could protect you from all the ugliness in this world. You will face challenges, hurt, and defeat and that breaks my heart. But in the end, I have faith that you will make the right decisions. I am rooting for both of you.

16. You are strange. Yet I am inexplicably drawn to you. At one time I wanted you for myself, but now I don’t. I hope you find someone who can love you despite your quirks. We are two peas in a pod.

17. You are generally fierce, but sometimes when you try to be fly you end up looking ridiculous. I always wanted to be your friend because you were confident, smart, and stylish, and everyone liked you. After I got to know you, I discovered that you are overrated.

18. It took me a while to like you. For years, I wished that you were just a little smarter, just a little prettier, just a little funnier. And then, I realized that you are great just the way you are. I am starting to get comfortable with you.

19. What can I say about you? Well, you're always the life of the party, that's for sure! You always wanted to give me what I was looking for, but I was too young and too stupid to appreciate it. And I've watched you build this great life and now you're sharing it with someone else. I can't help but kick myself every time I think about it. It should have been me.

20. You are the absolute best. Thank you for being so cute, loyal, and consistent.