Maybe someday...

This week I had to make a really hard decision. For the last two years, I've chronicled the saga of my relationship with Mystery Man. And throughout it all, despite all my worrying and conjecture, he's remained elusive. So I decided to cut communication with him altogether. I had been holding on for so long because I truly at one point believed that he and I were friends. But then I realized that our interaction was sporadic. We barely spoke, and when we did, it was via BBM or text or something, we never really hung out or spent time together. After I did a quick rundown of our "relationship", I realized that I might've been a bit delusional in thinking that a "relationship", or even really a "friendship" ever existed between us.

And I also started asking myself why I would continue to run TOWARD a person that spent our entire "relationship" running AWAY from me. I wanted him, he didn't want me... it was a waste of time for us both. I got tired, and I realized that it was time for me to move on. But, in order for me to truly move on, I needed to stop talking to him. I needed to foreclose any opportunity to have access to him. So, I de-friended him from Facebook and deleted him from my Blackberry messenger contacts. When I write that down, it doesn't even seem like that big of a deal. Who cares about Facebook? Why do people even use BBM? I mean, so what, right? But, by me closing off those lines of communication - our primary means of contacting one another - I have basically closed the door on that chapter of my life. Without those means, we won't be in touch. That "relationship" is likely over for good.

I was tearful as I clicked "Remove from Friends" on Facebook. I didn't want to let go, but then I realized that if I was ever going to stop wasting energy on someone who expended NO energy on me, and eventually end up with someone who saw my value and worth, then I was going to have to go cold turkey, and end this thing once and for all. So that's what I did. I think...

I feel sad about it, but I also feel like I spent the majority of those two years chasing him, and ultimately never caught up. I feel like life is unfair because if you love someone THAT MUCH, they should be forced to love you back. I feel like a failure... like maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or maybe I wasn't pretty enough, or funny enough, or smart enough (although, this last part is not likely 'cause I'm damn smart! ha!)...

And most of all, I worry that I'll never find anyone to treat me the way I want to be treated or love me the way that I want to be loved because, up to now, it seems like my entire romantic life has been one big disappointment.

I didn't want to delete him from my life, but honestly, I just can't take being continually rejected. I can't take being largely ignored.

I'm better than that, I'm worth more than that.

What I want is someone who will give me their all. Who will love me at my worst, and deserve me at my best. Someone who is loyal and consistent. Who understands that I might not be the smartest girl in the room, the prettiest, the sexiest, or even the most congenial (doubtful! hehe!), but still looks at me with a twinkle in his eye because - to him - I'm as good as it gets.

I am into posting songs lately, and every time I hear this particular song, it makes me smile because THIS is precisely the way I wish someone would feel about me. I'm gonna let Kenny sing to ya for a bit so you can see what I mean. Maybe someday... maybe. Someday.

Here's hoping, girlies!

Kenny Lattimore - For You (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Kenny Lattimore

And to reinforce the words, check out the lyrics:

For you I give a lifetime of stability
Anything you want of me, nothing is impossible
For you, there are no words or ways to show my love
Or all the thoughts I'm thinking of
Cause this life is no good alone
Since we've become one,
I've made a change
Everything I do now, makes sense
All roads end, all I do is for you

For you I share the cup of love that overflows
And anyone who knows us knows
I would change all faults I have,
For you there is no low or high or in between
Of my heart that you haven't seen
Cause I share all I have and am
Nothing I've said's hard to understand
All I feel I feel deeper still, and always will
All this love is for you

Every note that I play, every word I might say
Every melody I feel
Are only for you and your appeal
Every page that I write, every day of my life
Would not be filled with without the things
That my love for you now brings
For you I make the promise of fidelity
Now and for eternity
No one could replace this vow

For you, I'd take take your hand heart And everything
And add to them a wedding ring
Cause this life is no good alone
Since we've become one you're all I've known
And if this feeling should leave, I'd die
And here's why, all I am is for you
Everything i do now makes sense
All roads end, all I do,
Is for you

Ooooh girl! That's my SONG! - "It Takes Two" Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock (1988)

So, I recently became a member of this group of people who all really LOVE hip hop. But, before I could join, I had to answer a few questions. I was asked when I knew that hip hop had become a part of my life. As I reflected on my answer, I recognized that I never had a lightbulb moment about hip hop. In my life, it just always... was. I don't remember a time without hip hop. I was born at the very end of the 70s and by that time, hip hop had already taken up residence in my household thanks to my older brother. I remember listening to Doug E. Fresh and Slick Rick rap about synchronizing the time on your Gucci watch and bobbing my head along to the music before I even knew what Gucci was! And, I was humming along to Salt & Pepa and "shakin my thang" in elementary school. It's always been a part of my life and it always will be.

And so it was that I was recently at a party where DJ Alizay (my FAVE) was spinning nothing but bangers all night long and I sweated out my very fresh relaxer within a matter of minutes. If you're damp when you leave a party, you know you had a good time! What I recognized was, everytime I would hear the opening strains of a new jam, I'd look at my homegirl and shout "oooh girl! that's my SONG!" and my hips would start shaking pretty much involuntarily.

Wouldn't you know it? That inspired a blog post. Ha! So, here it is. "It Takes Two" by Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock. Lemme tell yall, this is the first rap song that I ever knew ALL the words to. The year was 1988 and I was 9 years old and in the 3rd grade at Woodlin Elementary in Silver Spring, MD. This song pretty much marks the beginning of my love affair with hip hop. The year was 1988 and I was 9 years old. And every time I hear this song, no matter where I am, I always turn to my girls and yell out, "ooooh girl! that's my SONG!".

Enjoy!

Btw, where are they now?? Hmmmm... If anyone knows, fill me in.