Daddy Dearest

Sorry it’s taken me a few days to post. Things have been busy on the home front. At any rate, here’s a blog I wrote back in December. It’s a long read, so if you don’t make it all the way through on the first read, come back and finish it later.

For the past few weeks, I haven’t been feeling my best. Those of you that know me love (or hate) my quick wit and (sometimes mean-spirited) jokes. But, they have been on hiatus and my usually easy smile has become infrequent. I had been moping around for a few days, complaining to my BMFF [best male friend forever] and my BGFF [best girl friend forever] about:
1) My life being utterly boring
2) My job being a hellhole, and
3) My checking account being empty (not necessarily in that order).

I didn’t think anyone else noticed the fact that I’d had a terrible case of the “blahs”. At work, I kept on a happy face and most of my friends thought I was pretty happy with the way things have been going in my life. But, this weekend, when I was hanging out with my parents, my father noticed that something wasn’t quite right.

Now, for those of you that know the nature of my relationship with my father, you know that I avoid speaking to him at ALL costs. I am cordial, saying “hello” and “goodbye”, but I steer clear of any conversation that takes us further than casual greetings. We get along so much better when we are only exchanging pleasantries. I used to talk to him all the time, letting him on my innermost thoughts and dreams. After all, he is a mental health professional who tends to build a rapport easily with his clients and with complete strangers. But, the second I let him any further into my life, our relationship heads straight down the toilet. He is super-critical, outrageously judgmental, highly opinionated and über-conservative. All of which means that when he is around, my mouth stays, pretty much, cemented shut.

But, on Sunday, he approached me and asked if he could speak with me for about 15 minutes. I immediately tensed up. I just knew that he could only be interested in criticizing me about something I had done or said. But, I reluctantly left my place on my parents’ couch and headed downstairs to chitty-chat with my dad. We are sitting in his blue-walled man room with the TV turned on mute and his desk light shining on my face like a spotlight. We sit across from each other and size each other up.

Then he says, “So, let’s talk. We haven’t talked in a while. Tell me what’s been going on in your life.”

I freeze. I can’t think of ONE thing to say to him. I am thinking that it’s pathetic that I don’t even know how to start a conversation with my father!

“I’ll start,” he says.

He asks me about my piece o’ shit car and what I am planning to do about getting a new one sometime soon on my very limited budget. I sit silent, trying to see where he is going with this line of questioning. But, as I study his face, I recognize that he is being genuine. So, I let down my guard and we start talking. And, although he asked for 15 minutes of my time, we actually ended up talking for over an hour. The conversation came quickly and the laughs came easily. And he gave me some sound advice on life, love, career and finances. My father is a smart man, brilliant actually. (A girlfriend of mine and I had discovered that our fathers had been friends years ago and she said that her father had described my father in this way: “[Brown Girl's Daddy]? – that’s a smart nigga right there.” LOL!) Anyway, my father encouraged me to use him as a resource when I have things weighing on my mind. And, I have to admit that after talking to my dad, I felt 100 times better about my circumstances and my lot in life. I felt… hopeful… for the first time in a long, long time.

When we were wrapping up our conversation, he says to me, “I just want you to be my ‘buddy’. Just came and talk to me about anything.” Um… what? My father and I “buddies”?? The thought had never occurred to me, but if he was going to maintain this personality (Who knows how long it will really last? I am hopeful, but not naïve.), this level of understanding and compassion, maybe we really could be “buddies”. But, I’m not holding my breath.

Anyway, the holidays are about to roll around and after I thought about it for a while, I realized that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the year. It’s a time when nothing is expected of anyone, no gifts are expected (Christmahanukwannzaka), no declarations of undying love (Valentine’s Day), no lauding of long-forgotten historical figures. It’s just a time to sit back and reflect on all the things for which we are grateful. And I realized that the case of the “blahs” that I had suffered from for so many weeks was immediately cured when I realized all the things and people I have been blessed to have in my life. I have come to recognize that it is important to stop and gives thanks for all things that bring goodness to you life. So, I thought that giving thanks for those people and things that have impacted my life would be blog-worthy. This is the first in a series of blogs where I will give for someone or something that has been a blessing in my life this year. So, yes, you guessed it. I am saying that the first person on my list for whom I am thankful is… my Dad.

As much as this negro gets on my gotdamn nerves, he’s a pretty great guy. Rewind to a couple of months ago. I was chilling at a friend’s house for the Labor Day holiday when my mom called and told me that she needed me to drive my dad to the hospital. Now, my dad does NOT get sick. He barely sniffles and never stays home from work due to illness. So, when my mom called, my adrenaline started pumping. I ran out of my friend’s house, collected my mom and dad and drove my dad to the emergency room at Johns Hopkins. My mom and I were waiting in the Emergency Room all night (with a room full of colorful "Baltimorons", including a man who purposely pissed on the floor when the people at the admitting desk ignored his requests to be seen first – no joke) and were awakened early in the morning to the news that my father had been transferred to ICU while we had been sleeping. The diagnosis was internal bleeding and they didn’t know where the bleeding was coming from. By the time the whole ordeal had ended, my father had two blood transfusions and three procedures to stop the bleeding. He was in ICU for five days. And, for weeks even after he had been discharged, my father who walks approximately two miles everyday, got winded from going to the bathroom. It was a devastating experience. The doctors made it clear that we had almost lost him. For a few days, all was good and perfect in the Johnson household – that is, until my father realized that he wasn’t going to die and went back to annoying the hell out of everyone.

While we were talking on Sunday, I looked into my dad’s face, which is lined with years of creases, and at his head full of soft gray hair and I started thinking about the fact that my dad wouldn’t be here forever to bug me, judge me, get on my nerves. One day, he will be gone. I know the thought is morbid and – believe me – I hate to think about death. But, I sat and looked at him and imagined him in a casket. And I imagined myself throwing myself over his body and screaming and crying at the front of our church very melodramatically. I sat back and thought, do I want to be crying out of regret for having a terrible relationship with my father while he walked this Earth? And I decided right then and there that I don’t want that. And that I want us to have a good relationship. I want us to be “buddies” (I think).

So, Dad, I’m grateful for you being the critical, judgmental, opinionated, conservative that you are. And this year, I thank God that I’ve had you in my life... even though you’ve worked my last nerve.

A Star is Born

Last year sometime, I watched a movie called “The Holiday” starring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet. The movie was about two women who were living boring lives, just maintaining… nothing more. They swap houses for a vacation and, with the change of scenery, they each find love and other things that fulfill their lives.

Kate Winslet character moves from London to LA to live in Cameron Diaz’s mansion. While there, she makes friends with an elderly male neighbor and they end up becoming very dear friends. In the movie, Kate Winslet doesn’t know that she’s a beautiful person in and out. I suppose she suspects it, but she is just not sure. It takes this little old man to make her realize that she is basically wasting her life by not living “for today”. He explains that in life, there are “leading ladies” and then there are “best friends”… the supporting cast, if you will. He asks her straight up, “Why are you living your life like a best friend when you’re a leading lady?”

As Oprah says, I had a “light bulb” moment. It wasn’t hard for me to realize that I am a lot like Kate Winslet’s character. I, too, have champagne wishes & caviar dreams. And I want big things for myself, but I am living my life like I’m in someone else’s supporting cast rather than embracing my role as the leading lady. Hey, I’m grounded enough to know that I’m not the leading lady of anyone else’s life-movie, but now I realize that I should damn sure be the STAR of my own!

I promised myself that 2008 would be my year. Thank God there are 361 days left in the year because I need to get a move-on to make 2008 a memorable one for all the right reasons. As a leading lady, I have no business NOT doing exceptional things! Cause while I’ve been busy “waiting for the right time” to do such and such, my life has been passing me by. If I was in the audience watching my life-movie, I would've fallen asleep in my popcorn before I reached today's scene. And that’s just sad. Time to rewrite the script.

What have I learned? I am the STAR of this show, people. All of you are just extras on the set of my real-life dramedy. (jokes, sorta)

What have you learned? This is the only life you get. THIS, right here, is your movie and there is no time for dress rehearsals. You only get one shot!

Ask yourself, have you accepted your role as the leading wo/man in your life-movie?

If not, do yourself a favor and start making some changes. Afterall, you are a star, so you deserve nothing less...

2008 will be GREAT!

Happy new year, everyone! I started writing my 2007 introspective blog and almost decided against it. 2007 was quiet, peaceful, and rather boring… and for that I am very grateful! A drama-free year is what I had been striving for. I got rid of the dead-weight in December 2006/January 2007 and have basically just been floating along in life with few stressors. And, for that, I know I am blessed. So, I appreciate the fact that I really don’t have that much to say about the tests, trials and tribulations that I had to face in ’07, because the few that I did have worked themselves out.

1. My daddy got very, very sick, but then got better and now he is as good as new! (a blog about that will come later)

2. I was depressed because I felt that I had outgrown my job, which really is just a JOB and not the CAREER that I hoped it would be. (but then I realized that I should be grateful that I even have a job that pays me enough to cover my expenses! Thank you Jesus!)

3. I felt sloppy and dejected because I have gained so much weight since high school. (Then I came to the realization that I could do something about that and, if I am so unhappy about it, why was I just complaining about it without DOING something about it?! So I got off my fat butt and started working out and eating better. And I feel better!)

4. I went through a second bout of depression because I haven’t yet found my romantic “partner-in-crime”. (but then I thought of how bad my heart had been broken around this time last year and recognized that I still need some time to heal so that I won’t be bringing all of that baggage with me and creating yet another dysfunctional relationship.)

So, all in all, I am I joyous because I recognize that I control the way that I feel about myself and my life. If I keep telling myself negative things about myself and my circumstances, then negative things will come to pass because I am bringing negative energy into my life. But, if I tell myself positive things, if I really appreciate and focus on the good things going on in my life, I am welcoming positive energy into my world. I have a great relationship with God, a wonderful and loving family, true friends and I really want for very little (if anything at all).

Now, I want to be careful that I don’t get, too comfy because comfy leads to complacency. And that is not a good thing.

Anyway, I am truly looking forward to all the blessings that 2008 will bring. I am focused on making myself a better person in the New Year. I didn’t accomplish everything that I wanted to last year, but I came close. Some things are still a work in progress, but they are – at least – in progress, and I am satisfied with that.

I am blessed. I am content.

I am thankful.


Happy New Year! Let’s do it really big in ’08…