Wednesday, February 25, 2009

(Self) Doubt

So, I know you all remember me mentioning that Mystery Man reads my blog. When he told me that he read it, the conversation went something like this:

MM: [in mid-thought about a totally different subject] … I read some of your blog today.

BG: Really?

MM: Yeah… I read about your emotional cleansing and Mystery Man and some other posts.

BG: Oh yeah? And?

MM: Oh, you expected a review?

*slightly embarrassed silence*

BG: Uh… no. I just thought you were going somewhere with that.

MM: Oh no. I wasn’t. *thoughtful silence* You’re a very brave writer.


I suppose that was intended as a compliment (I didn’t ask), but I was expecting… something else. Maybe “funny” or “engaging” or “talented”, but what I got was “brave”. For some reason, I felt discouraged by that. I don’t know why.

He’d asked if he could read my blog one night awhile back before we decided that we were interested in each other, and without hesitation, I said yes. But by the end of that same night, my feelings toward him had changed and I never took the initiative to give him a link to the blog. Not because I was afraid for him to read anything I’d written, but moreso because I was frightened that he’d think that what I’d written wasn’t good enough. But, it wasn’t hard to find the blog, especially since I post announcements about the blog in my Google Talk status and on Twitter AND the link is on my Facebook profile.

And anyway, I’d suspected that one day he’d ask again if he could read the blog and that after I got over my initial self-doubt, I would give him the link without any serious second-thoughts just because I trust him that much. Afterall, I feel kinda like Erykah Badu when she said, “I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit.” I mean, I have this huge fear of not living up to the expectations of others. I am a good writer and I don’t apologize for the fact that I genuinely believe that with all my heart. Am I a GREAT writer? Well, that remains to be seen. But what I do know is that I love writing and when I can muster up enough creativity and motivation, I do it as much as I can. Still I didn't want him to think I was crazy for all the shit that I say on here and I was really very worried that he'd think I was a talentless hack that was doing nothing but wasting her time on this writing thing.

Because I feel so strongly about writing as my creative outlet, I guess I was just a little disappointed about the fact that he really didn’t have anything else to say about it at the time… other than that I was “brave”. He’s said that I’m a good writer before, I think (now, of course, the only thing I can remember is the “brave” comment, but I’m almost positive that he’s said something encouraging about my writing… probably many times… in the past) but I was a little taken aback by the fact that after he read the blog, the most descriptive word he could come up with was “brave”.

Plus, I am FAR from brave… believe me! Why do you think I post this shit as “Brown Girl”? ‘Cause I’m scared to be completely honest AND have my name associated with that honesty. That’s right… SCARED, not “brave”!!

Maybe my “bravery” was in my word choice? After all, he did read all about me giving people "A Piece of My Mind"… and while I didn’t intend for it to be bitchy, it definitely came off that way to a lot of people. And I guess bitches are brave, right? But, I’ll stress… that post was an EXERCISE. That’s it. And I’ll also let you all in on a little secret – in at least two of those opinionated blurbs, I was writing about MYSELF. See if you can guess which ones are about me

I’d like to think that one day I’ll be more than just a “good” writer. One day, I’d like to be GREAT. And, I do believe that I’ll get there. I just need to find my voice, and I also need to garner the discipline that it takes to perfect this craft. Even though I was kind of thrown off by the “brave” description, I’ve decided that I’ll take it as a compliment. After all, being brave means taking risks… it means going where others won’t… it suggests a certain level of boldness and confidence. I like it...

So, I guess I’ll be brave until I’m great. For now, that’s fine with me.

1 comment:

A :) said...

I think being brave is what makes you a GREAT writer . . . minus the brave and you'd just be good. It was indeed a compliment :)