So, I know you all remember me mentioning that Mystery Man reads my blog. When he told me that he read it, the conversation went something like this:
MM: [in mid-thought about a totally different subject] … I read some of your blog today.
BG: Really?
MM: Yeah… I read about your emotional cleansing and Mystery Man and some other posts.
BG: Oh yeah? And?
MM: Oh, you expected a review?
*slightly embarrassed silence*
BG: Uh… no. I just thought you were going somewhere with that.
MM: Oh no. I wasn’t. *thoughtful silence* You’re a very brave writer.
“Brave”?
I suppose that was intended as a compliment (I didn’t ask), but I was expecting… something else. Maybe “funny” or “engaging” or “talented”, but what I got was “brave”. For some reason, I felt discouraged by that. I don’t know why.
He’d asked if he could read my blog one night awhile back before we decided that we were interested in each other, and without hesitation, I said yes. But by the end of that same night, my feelings toward him had changed and I never took the initiative to give him a link to the blog. Not because I was afraid for him to read anything I’d written, but moreso because I was frightened that he’d think that what I’d written wasn’t good enough. But, it wasn’t hard to find the blog, especially since I post announcements about the blog in my Google Talk status and on Twitter AND the link is on my Facebook profile.
And anyway, I’d suspected that one day he’d ask again if he could read the blog and that after I got over my initial self-doubt, I would give him the link without any serious second-thoughts just because I trust him that much. Afterall, I feel kinda like Erykah Badu when she said, “I’m an artist and I’m sensitive about my shit.” I mean, I have this huge fear of not living up to the expectations of others. I am a good writer and I don’t apologize for the fact that I genuinely believe that with all my heart. Am I a GREAT writer? Well, that remains to be seen. But what I do know is that I love writing and when I can muster up enough creativity and motivation, I do it as much as I can. Still I didn't want him to think I was crazy for all the shit that I say on here and I was really very worried that he'd think I was a talentless hack that was doing nothing but wasting her time on this writing thing.
Because I feel so strongly about writing as my creative outlet, I guess I was just a little disappointed about the fact that he really didn’t have anything else to say about it at the time… other than that I was “brave”. He’s said that I’m a good writer before, I think (now, of course, the only thing I can remember is the “brave” comment, but I’m almost positive that he’s said something encouraging about my writing… probably many times… in the past) but I was a little taken aback by the fact that after he read the blog, the most descriptive word he could come up with was “brave”.
Plus, I am FAR from brave… believe me! Why do you think I post this shit as “Brown Girl”? ‘Cause I’m scared to be completely honest AND have my name associated with that honesty. That’s right… SCARED, not “brave”!!
Maybe my “bravery” was in my word choice? After all, he did read all about me giving people "A Piece of My Mind"… and while I didn’t intend for it to be bitchy, it definitely came off that way to a lot of people. And I guess bitches are brave, right? But, I’ll stress… that post was an EXERCISE. That’s it. And I’ll also let you all in on a little secret – in at least two of those opinionated blurbs, I was writing about MYSELF. See if you can guess which ones are about me…
I’d like to think that one day I’ll be more than just a “good” writer. One day, I’d like to be GREAT. And, I do believe that I’ll get there. I just need to find my voice, and I also need to garner the discipline that it takes to perfect this craft. Even though I was kind of thrown off by the “brave” description, I’ve decided that I’ll take it as a compliment. After all, being brave means taking risks… it means going where others won’t… it suggests a certain level of boldness and confidence. I like it...
So, I guess I’ll be brave until I’m great. For now, that’s fine with me.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Pumping Gas
For a few days, I’d lost my will to blog. Why? Well, because I realized… sadly… that blogs are like opinions and buttholes: everybody has one. (Paraphrasing a saying that my father used to use.) Seriously, though, I have recognized that just about everyone I know has a blog, or is planning to start a blog in the near future. And, I fully encourage everyone to blog! Really, I do. Blogging is truly a therapeutic experience… to see your thoughts and opinions – uncensored – in print and to know that the world could be (but probably isn’t) reading your most personal and astounding admissions. Well, I think it’s great. Obviously, I find some joy in it because – as a very smart man recently reminded me – I continue to do it. For free. And with little assurance that anyone even cares or enjoys what I am writing. I guess that has to mean something, right?
And when my friend pointed out that clearly there is something about my personality that drives me to even WANT to share the most intimate details of my life, I felt the need to search my soul to figure out just what motivates me to continue to do this. There are days when I don’t want to post and mostly on those days, I just don’t (in the last few years I’ve had more of those days than I would have liked). And then there are days that I don’t want to post, but I do it anyway because I am committed to keeping this blog afloat.
But why? Who knows. I drive myself crazy with this back-and-forth about why I blog, what it all means, what it tells me (and others) about myself, etc. So, I'm gonna stop asking... for now. Anyway, since I'm questioning my desire to continue to chronicle my life online, I had a really hard time coming up with a post. I went back and read a few old posts that I had saved on my laptop... and I realized that this one below was never posted. And it's over a year old. I remember the day to which I refer in the post like it was yesterday, which is sort of funny. Oh well.
The post:
So today, the most annoying thing happened. Not that it hasn’t happened before, it’s just that today I found it particularly disturbing.
I was driving and realized that I only had a quarter tank of gas. I never let my car get down to less than a quarter tank per instructions from my late uncle – my mom’s baby brother – who had to come and pick me up and take me to the gas station when my car ran out of gas on Sixteenth Street when I was in high school. He told me to never let my tank get to less than half a tank and then I wouldn’t ever have this problem again. And, so far, I’ve taken heed. There is nothing worse than the feeling I felt as an extremely young looking 16 year old, dressed in a Catholic school uniform, sitting inside of an SUV that is blocking rush hour traffic on a major thoroughfare waiting for her uncle to come and rescue her. This is why I swung my new car into the first gas station that I saw.
I hop out and begin to fiddle with my car. Truthfully, my car is so good on gas that I’ve only had to fill-up once since I’ve had it, so I had forgotten which side the tank was on AND how to open the damn thing. So, I’m standing out there fiddling with stuff and I notice a guy about my age pull up to the pump on my left. I continue to fiddle and look for things and I could tell he was checking me out. In my heart there is a glimmer of hope that, perhaps, he might say something to me. And, in that moment, I realize that my loneliness has finally gotten to me and I am now officially desperate, which is scary. A few seconds later, I realize that it’s not so much that I am lonely OR desperate, it’s that my friend Kyra and I keep saying that maybe we’ll run into our next (in)significant other at the grocery store or the gas station, so it’s best to keep one eye open and to always be looking your best.
Anyway, said guy gets out of his car (a Dodge Magnum – for the record I was not impressed with it) and looks over at me.
“Hello,” he says.
“Hello,” I say curtly, still fidgeting with the pump.
He walked right past me into the 7-11 where the gas station attendant was located (this was a gas station/7-11 convenience store combo). I guess he was only exchanging pleasantries, and not trying to spark a conversation after all. Well, I’m ok with that. I’m only here to get gas and I’m trying to convince myself that I am not desperate for thinking that just because I see a man my age without a wedding ring that it means he may be my future husband, so I went about my business and finished pumping gas. I wanted a receipt, but the printer in the pump wasn’t working, so I had to go inside the 7-11 to get a copy.
As I was crossing the parking lot to get into the 7-11, I noticed a man get out of a BMW station wagon, open the passenger door and help a young, pregnant woman out, kiss her on the mouth, and watch her walk toward the 7-11.
I get near the Beamer and the man says, “Did you drop that?”
I didn’t answer because I was certain that I didn’t drop anything, and so I figured he must’ve been speaking to someone else.
“Hey,” he said.
I turn around, thoroughly confused. “Yes,” I answer.
“I think you dropped something,” he says slyly, and a slow grin spreads across his face.
Just in case I’m wrong, I check the ground behind me and around me and don’t see anything at all on the ground.
“I think you’re mistaken,” I say, continuing my trek to the 7-11.
“I think you dropped my number,” he chuckles. “Come on, talk to me for a minute,” he pleads.
I stop for a second because I’m sure that this is not happening. Not only was the young lady he kissed on the mouth currently knocked up, but there is also a baby seat in the back of the station wagon, which means that they’ve already popped out one kid. He can’t be serious. But… I think he is. I checked his left ring finger and there, in all its glory, was a very conspicuous gold wedding band.
“I think you need to be concerned about your wife and kids,” I say, and continue walking. When I reach the door of the 7-11, I turn and look over my shoulder and dude is standing next to the Beamer, watching me. I am heated. I roll my eyes and walk to the cashier. The man’s preggy wife walks past me and brushes me with her belly.
“Excuse me,” she says, and smiles sweetly.
I feel terrible. And I didn’t even DO anything. But her man… her man! How could he be so obvious about his trifling ways? Now, suppose I had stopped to talk to him as he requested. His wife was just a few feet away inside the 7-11 and could’ve walked out and caught us talking at any moment. I wonder how he would’ve played it off. I’m positive he would’ve found a way to talk himself out of hot water. I know I’m not the first woman he tried this with, so I’m sure he has worked out all manner of alibis.
As I was driving home, I began thinking of that conversation that I had with Agent all those years ago. Maybe Agent did the right thing by walking away from “the one” because he wasn’t ready. I mean, after all, if he had stuck around and wifed her, it’s possible that he could’ve been the man with the Beamer in the gas station parking lot. And that would’ve just been sad.
Just yesterday, the very married Governor of New York admitted that he had been involved in a sex scandal involving high priced prostitutes. His wife sucked it up, and stood by her man during the press conference where the governor made his announcement. It was really quite sad and I’m sure she had to swallow a LARGE amount of her pride and I’m certain that it left a bad taste in her mouth. In the wake of this scandal, people everywhere are discussing why politicians always fall prey to this demon of infidelity. According to statistics given on the TODAY Show this morning (during a segment that sought to answer why men cheat – a topic that was derived from the governor’s announcement) approximately 33 percent of married men cheat. In other words, one-third of married men cheat, which means that 1 in 3 married men cheat. So, the next time you are in the grocery store or the gas station or coffee shop, count the first man you see, then the second, and then the third. And then think that if all three of those men were married, at least one of them will eventually cheat (or already has).
Sobering thought, isn’t it?
And when my friend pointed out that clearly there is something about my personality that drives me to even WANT to share the most intimate details of my life, I felt the need to search my soul to figure out just what motivates me to continue to do this. There are days when I don’t want to post and mostly on those days, I just don’t (in the last few years I’ve had more of those days than I would have liked). And then there are days that I don’t want to post, but I do it anyway because I am committed to keeping this blog afloat.
But why? Who knows. I drive myself crazy with this back-and-forth about why I blog, what it all means, what it tells me (and others) about myself, etc. So, I'm gonna stop asking... for now. Anyway, since I'm questioning my desire to continue to chronicle my life online, I had a really hard time coming up with a post. I went back and read a few old posts that I had saved on my laptop... and I realized that this one below was never posted. And it's over a year old. I remember the day to which I refer in the post like it was yesterday, which is sort of funny. Oh well.
The post:
So today, the most annoying thing happened. Not that it hasn’t happened before, it’s just that today I found it particularly disturbing.
I was driving and realized that I only had a quarter tank of gas. I never let my car get down to less than a quarter tank per instructions from my late uncle – my mom’s baby brother – who had to come and pick me up and take me to the gas station when my car ran out of gas on Sixteenth Street when I was in high school. He told me to never let my tank get to less than half a tank and then I wouldn’t ever have this problem again. And, so far, I’ve taken heed. There is nothing worse than the feeling I felt as an extremely young looking 16 year old, dressed in a Catholic school uniform, sitting inside of an SUV that is blocking rush hour traffic on a major thoroughfare waiting for her uncle to come and rescue her. This is why I swung my new car into the first gas station that I saw.
I hop out and begin to fiddle with my car. Truthfully, my car is so good on gas that I’ve only had to fill-up once since I’ve had it, so I had forgotten which side the tank was on AND how to open the damn thing. So, I’m standing out there fiddling with stuff and I notice a guy about my age pull up to the pump on my left. I continue to fiddle and look for things and I could tell he was checking me out. In my heart there is a glimmer of hope that, perhaps, he might say something to me. And, in that moment, I realize that my loneliness has finally gotten to me and I am now officially desperate, which is scary. A few seconds later, I realize that it’s not so much that I am lonely OR desperate, it’s that my friend Kyra and I keep saying that maybe we’ll run into our next (in)significant other at the grocery store or the gas station, so it’s best to keep one eye open and to always be looking your best.
Anyway, said guy gets out of his car (a Dodge Magnum – for the record I was not impressed with it) and looks over at me.
“Hello,” he says.
“Hello,” I say curtly, still fidgeting with the pump.
He walked right past me into the 7-11 where the gas station attendant was located (this was a gas station/7-11 convenience store combo). I guess he was only exchanging pleasantries, and not trying to spark a conversation after all. Well, I’m ok with that. I’m only here to get gas and I’m trying to convince myself that I am not desperate for thinking that just because I see a man my age without a wedding ring that it means he may be my future husband, so I went about my business and finished pumping gas. I wanted a receipt, but the printer in the pump wasn’t working, so I had to go inside the 7-11 to get a copy.
As I was crossing the parking lot to get into the 7-11, I noticed a man get out of a BMW station wagon, open the passenger door and help a young, pregnant woman out, kiss her on the mouth, and watch her walk toward the 7-11.
I get near the Beamer and the man says, “Did you drop that?”
I didn’t answer because I was certain that I didn’t drop anything, and so I figured he must’ve been speaking to someone else.
“Hey,” he said.
I turn around, thoroughly confused. “Yes,” I answer.
“I think you dropped something,” he says slyly, and a slow grin spreads across his face.
Just in case I’m wrong, I check the ground behind me and around me and don’t see anything at all on the ground.
“I think you’re mistaken,” I say, continuing my trek to the 7-11.
“I think you dropped my number,” he chuckles. “Come on, talk to me for a minute,” he pleads.
I stop for a second because I’m sure that this is not happening. Not only was the young lady he kissed on the mouth currently knocked up, but there is also a baby seat in the back of the station wagon, which means that they’ve already popped out one kid. He can’t be serious. But… I think he is. I checked his left ring finger and there, in all its glory, was a very conspicuous gold wedding band.
“I think you need to be concerned about your wife and kids,” I say, and continue walking. When I reach the door of the 7-11, I turn and look over my shoulder and dude is standing next to the Beamer, watching me. I am heated. I roll my eyes and walk to the cashier. The man’s preggy wife walks past me and brushes me with her belly.
“Excuse me,” she says, and smiles sweetly.
I feel terrible. And I didn’t even DO anything. But her man… her man! How could he be so obvious about his trifling ways? Now, suppose I had stopped to talk to him as he requested. His wife was just a few feet away inside the 7-11 and could’ve walked out and caught us talking at any moment. I wonder how he would’ve played it off. I’m positive he would’ve found a way to talk himself out of hot water. I know I’m not the first woman he tried this with, so I’m sure he has worked out all manner of alibis.
As I was driving home, I began thinking of that conversation that I had with Agent all those years ago. Maybe Agent did the right thing by walking away from “the one” because he wasn’t ready. I mean, after all, if he had stuck around and wifed her, it’s possible that he could’ve been the man with the Beamer in the gas station parking lot. And that would’ve just been sad.
Just yesterday, the very married Governor of New York admitted that he had been involved in a sex scandal involving high priced prostitutes. His wife sucked it up, and stood by her man during the press conference where the governor made his announcement. It was really quite sad and I’m sure she had to swallow a LARGE amount of her pride and I’m certain that it left a bad taste in her mouth. In the wake of this scandal, people everywhere are discussing why politicians always fall prey to this demon of infidelity. According to statistics given on the TODAY Show this morning (during a segment that sought to answer why men cheat – a topic that was derived from the governor’s announcement) approximately 33 percent of married men cheat. In other words, one-third of married men cheat, which means that 1 in 3 married men cheat. So, the next time you are in the grocery store or the gas station or coffee shop, count the first man you see, then the second, and then the third. And then think that if all three of those men were married, at least one of them will eventually cheat (or already has).
Sobering thought, isn’t it?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Things to Do Before 30
A very significant birthday is approaching. In June, I’ll be 30.
Let that sink in...
Man, I don’t know why 30 freaks me out so much. I just remember when my brother turned 30… I thought “Wow… he’s so old. That’s so sad. He’ll never have fun anymore!” How funny! Now, here I sit, staring down the barrel of the 30 year old gun.
My cousin and I are six months apart and he turned 30 on January 2. My aunt had a party for him and I was at that shin-dig when it hit me – in half a year, I’ll have reached my “scary” age. Why is 30 so scary, though? I mean, my cousin wasn’t afraid to turn 30. But he’s a guy... and no matter what anyone says, I’ll always defend my position that men and women feel differently about aging.
As I told the Mystery Man: Men age like a fine wine… they get better with time. Women age like… bananas. There is nothing good about an old banana.
I firmly believe this. As men age, they become “distinguished”. As their faces wrinkle, they are told that the wrinkles build “character”. Now, give me a synonym for “distinguished” as it relates to women. No such word exists. All words used about older women possess some sort of negative connotation. And, Lord knows that if wrinkles cause a face to develop “character”, then “character” is a woman’s worst nightmare – as evidenced by the myriad ads for Botox and wrinkle cream that litter the media.
Women have been taught that they should not embrace the aging process, but rather that they should fight it tooth and nail, every step of the way. And even though I think that phenomenon is really unfortunate and it makes me sad, the fact remains that I still look like I’m 12, so I’m not really worried about the physical effects of the aging process… yet. So, why exactly does 30 freak me out so much?!
I took some "me" time to reflect on a number of things this past weekend. Since my 30th birthday is never far from my mind these days, it was definitely on the agenda. What I realized is that - to me - 30 signifies adulthood. I still TO THIS DAY, feel like a kid sometimes. Sure, I have my days when I feel mature and independent, but for the most part (aside from a hefty dose of additional wisdom gained from just living) I still feel the same way I did when I was 21.
And you know, I always thought of myself as having “older” parents (when compared to the parents of my peers) and I was born when my mother was 29 years old. She was the same age that I am now when she brought me into this world. And, I’ll be honest… I cannot even imagine what I would do with a child if I popped one out right now. I am not financially or professionally or emotionally ready to handle a child. And I feel like I should be ready by now. I'm 30-friggin-years-old!!!
At 30, people stop calling you "young", and you damn sure aren’t classified as a “kid” anymore. Because I look so young, I am often carded at bars and restaurants. But, as soon as the server looks at my birthday, they are embarrassed to have asked. I am SUPER of-age… I've had the right to consume alcohol for almost 10 years!
I guess I feel weird because none of the things I thought I’d have accomplished by now have been accomplished. There are no children on the horizon… I’m not where I want to be in my career… my significant other is extremely INsignificant a.k.a. non-existent. Maybe if I had those things in place, 30 wouldn’t be so scary. Besides, now I look at my brother and I realize that his life didn’t really begin to take off until around 30. That’s when he really started becoming successful. And he didn't get married until he was 35. Of course, he’s also a man and I’ve already explained why that makes him different. I also think about the fact that my sister didn’t get married until she was 30 and my fist niece wasn’t born until my sister was about 34. That gives me some time to get my shit together... I guess...
I’m still trying to get used to this “growing up” thing. It happened so damn fast. Just yesterday, I remember wearing my hair in two pigtails to school and running through the sprinklers in my swimsuit. Now, I wear slacks and severe buns to work and the only time I get remotely close to being sprinkled with water is when I shower before heading out of the house.
Times, they are a-changing.
I’m afraid of getting “old” I guess (although even I will admit that 30 is not “old” per se). I’m not sure I’m ready for this transition into bona fide adulthood, but as my father always says – you either get old or die young. I’d say that, if I'm given a choice of those two options, I’m picking the getting old option every time. Hands down.
I didn’t post my new year’s resolutions this year, but I do feel like it’s important to document the goals you set out to achieve… mostly for the purposes of accountability. If I tell you all what I wish to accomplish I’ll work harder to meet those goals because I hope you’ll hold me to what I've set out to do. And, if I fail, I’ll feel like an ass. And I don’t like feeling ass-ish.
So, anyway, although I didn’t post resolutions, I did come up with this “Things to do Before 30” list. I created it about a year ago and have pretty much done nothing with it except pull it out and look at it every now and again and then kick myself for not taking any steps to accomplish anything on the list. I don’t think I’ve posted this before, so here’s the list:
1. Get out of debt
2. Travel to Europe (specifically Rome and Paris)
3. Become fluent in Spanish (Which now that I think about it will not actually be helpful to me during my travels to Italy & France. Whoops!)
4. Lose 20 lbs!
5. Learn to play the flute
6. Get published (in a magazine, book, whatever)
7. Learn to swim (I can swim, just not well)
8. Run a 5k
Boy, this list is ambitious! It wasn't ambitious when I wrote it... back then, it was definitely doable cause when I sat down and came up with the things I'd like to accomplish before I hit 30, I had plenty of time to achieve everything on this list. Unfortunately, I did what I've always done, which is procrastinate like it's my JOB and wait until the last minute to get started on anything.
So, let's review this list piece by piece:
1. This is the one thing I've pretty much accomplished. Mind you, here, I am only referring to personal debt, which is just my credit card debt and a few small personal loans that I took out for school. I am almost finished with all my credit card debt... and I owed a lot, so I am really proud of myself for that. The rest still needs some work.
2. I probably will not be able to travel to Europe before June because, well... because it's already February and I haven't asked for the time off from work, bought a plane ticket, made a hotel reservation, or renewed my passport. So... I'm pretty certain that Europe isn't happening by June. Scratch that one off the list.
3. My mother bought me Rosetta Stone Spanish CDs for my birthday last June because I told her I wanted to try to become fluent in the language. I maybe used them twice. They're currently in the drawer of my bedside table... and they're basically brand new. I should be ashamed of myself.
4. Losing 20 lbs. A coworker once said that she quantified her weight by comparing it to those one-pound packages of ground beef at the grocery store. If you tried to think about what a pound consists of in your head, it's hard to picture and it doesn't seem like much, but when you think about the fact that for every pound you've shed you've gotten rid of something comparable to a package of ground beef, that's pretty impressive! So, 20 packages of ground beef? That's a lot of frigging meat! Now I'm intimidated. Forget 20! At the rate I'm going, I'll be happy if I lose two. 'nuff said.
5. I've wanted to play the flute since I was a kid, but my parents thought the clarinet was more "practical". (I'm not really sure what their reasoning was, but back then I didn't ask questions... I just did what I was told!) Anyway, I promised myself that someday I'd learn to play. And, I set up some private lessons and everything, but I never went. I'm not sure why. By the time June rolls around, if I really try hard, I might be able to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb". If I learn one basic song, that still counts as "playing the flute", right?
6. It occurs to me that I've already been published... sorta. My friend has a blog and I wrote for her a couple times and I guess that counts. Then, there's this blog right here. I guess that sorta counts, too. But I meant it would be cool to see my name in print. I'd like to be published in a magazine or a newspaper or an official news website... not just a blog. I'm still working on that and I hope to have that nailed down by June for sure.
7. Okay, so I can swim enough to save my life, but I can't swim-swim. Like, you'll never catch me just doing leisurely laps in the pool. I want to get to that point. Can I get there by June? I'm not sure. Maybe if I start tomorrow... like, literally TOMORROW, I could get to that point by June. But I just got my hair done yesterday, so I probably won't start tomorrow cause that would be wasting the money I spent in the salon. Damn... I'm already making excuses. So, I guess we'll wait and see how this goal goes, but let's face it - it's not looking good.
8. I have always wanted to be a runner. I have so much admiration for people who go for a run and then feel GOOD afterward. I run (okay... let's be honest, I don't run. I wog.) and feel like I want to pass out, or run/wog and feel like I want to throw up. But I NEVER run/wog and feel good after. So, first of all, I'd like to run, NOT wog. And second, I'd like to run and feel good about it at the end! So, I've started this running program. And now, instead of wogging, I am trotting (not yet jogging). I'm hoping that in the next four months, I'll be able to RUN. Pray for me.
Well, after a quick review, it turns out that I'm not doing so hot with my list. I was probably better off not publishing it here, but now you know what I hope to accomplish and now you can scold me if I don't... or, if you're nice, you can just encourage me along the way as I attempt to at least make a little bit of progress on this list. I'll be back with regular updates, but I really need to get a handle on this if I hope to accomplish any of this stuff by June! Damn me and my lofty goals!
Let that sink in...
Man, I don’t know why 30 freaks me out so much. I just remember when my brother turned 30… I thought “Wow… he’s so old. That’s so sad. He’ll never have fun anymore!” How funny! Now, here I sit, staring down the barrel of the 30 year old gun.
My cousin and I are six months apart and he turned 30 on January 2. My aunt had a party for him and I was at that shin-dig when it hit me – in half a year, I’ll have reached my “scary” age. Why is 30 so scary, though? I mean, my cousin wasn’t afraid to turn 30. But he’s a guy... and no matter what anyone says, I’ll always defend my position that men and women feel differently about aging.
As I told the Mystery Man: Men age like a fine wine… they get better with time. Women age like… bananas. There is nothing good about an old banana.
I firmly believe this. As men age, they become “distinguished”. As their faces wrinkle, they are told that the wrinkles build “character”. Now, give me a synonym for “distinguished” as it relates to women. No such word exists. All words used about older women possess some sort of negative connotation. And, Lord knows that if wrinkles cause a face to develop “character”, then “character” is a woman’s worst nightmare – as evidenced by the myriad ads for Botox and wrinkle cream that litter the media.
Women have been taught that they should not embrace the aging process, but rather that they should fight it tooth and nail, every step of the way. And even though I think that phenomenon is really unfortunate and it makes me sad, the fact remains that I still look like I’m 12, so I’m not really worried about the physical effects of the aging process… yet. So, why exactly does 30 freak me out so much?!
I took some "me" time to reflect on a number of things this past weekend. Since my 30th birthday is never far from my mind these days, it was definitely on the agenda. What I realized is that - to me - 30 signifies adulthood. I still TO THIS DAY, feel like a kid sometimes. Sure, I have my days when I feel mature and independent, but for the most part (aside from a hefty dose of additional wisdom gained from just living) I still feel the same way I did when I was 21.
And you know, I always thought of myself as having “older” parents (when compared to the parents of my peers) and I was born when my mother was 29 years old. She was the same age that I am now when she brought me into this world. And, I’ll be honest… I cannot even imagine what I would do with a child if I popped one out right now. I am not financially or professionally or emotionally ready to handle a child. And I feel like I should be ready by now. I'm 30-friggin-years-old!!!
At 30, people stop calling you "young", and you damn sure aren’t classified as a “kid” anymore. Because I look so young, I am often carded at bars and restaurants. But, as soon as the server looks at my birthday, they are embarrassed to have asked. I am SUPER of-age… I've had the right to consume alcohol for almost 10 years!
I guess I feel weird because none of the things I thought I’d have accomplished by now have been accomplished. There are no children on the horizon… I’m not where I want to be in my career… my significant other is extremely INsignificant a.k.a. non-existent. Maybe if I had those things in place, 30 wouldn’t be so scary. Besides, now I look at my brother and I realize that his life didn’t really begin to take off until around 30. That’s when he really started becoming successful. And he didn't get married until he was 35. Of course, he’s also a man and I’ve already explained why that makes him different. I also think about the fact that my sister didn’t get married until she was 30 and my fist niece wasn’t born until my sister was about 34. That gives me some time to get my shit together... I guess...
I’m still trying to get used to this “growing up” thing. It happened so damn fast. Just yesterday, I remember wearing my hair in two pigtails to school and running through the sprinklers in my swimsuit. Now, I wear slacks and severe buns to work and the only time I get remotely close to being sprinkled with water is when I shower before heading out of the house.
Times, they are a-changing.
I’m afraid of getting “old” I guess (although even I will admit that 30 is not “old” per se). I’m not sure I’m ready for this transition into bona fide adulthood, but as my father always says – you either get old or die young. I’d say that, if I'm given a choice of those two options, I’m picking the getting old option every time. Hands down.
I didn’t post my new year’s resolutions this year, but I do feel like it’s important to document the goals you set out to achieve… mostly for the purposes of accountability. If I tell you all what I wish to accomplish I’ll work harder to meet those goals because I hope you’ll hold me to what I've set out to do. And, if I fail, I’ll feel like an ass. And I don’t like feeling ass-ish.
So, anyway, although I didn’t post resolutions, I did come up with this “Things to do Before 30” list. I created it about a year ago and have pretty much done nothing with it except pull it out and look at it every now and again and then kick myself for not taking any steps to accomplish anything on the list. I don’t think I’ve posted this before, so here’s the list:
1. Get out of debt
2. Travel to Europe (specifically Rome and Paris)
3. Become fluent in Spanish (Which now that I think about it will not actually be helpful to me during my travels to Italy & France. Whoops!)
4. Lose 20 lbs!
5. Learn to play the flute
6. Get published (in a magazine, book, whatever)
7. Learn to swim (I can swim, just not well)
8. Run a 5k
Boy, this list is ambitious! It wasn't ambitious when I wrote it... back then, it was definitely doable cause when I sat down and came up with the things I'd like to accomplish before I hit 30, I had plenty of time to achieve everything on this list. Unfortunately, I did what I've always done, which is procrastinate like it's my JOB and wait until the last minute to get started on anything.
So, let's review this list piece by piece:
1. This is the one thing I've pretty much accomplished. Mind you, here, I am only referring to personal debt, which is just my credit card debt and a few small personal loans that I took out for school. I am almost finished with all my credit card debt... and I owed a lot, so I am really proud of myself for that. The rest still needs some work.
2. I probably will not be able to travel to Europe before June because, well... because it's already February and I haven't asked for the time off from work, bought a plane ticket, made a hotel reservation, or renewed my passport. So... I'm pretty certain that Europe isn't happening by June. Scratch that one off the list.
3. My mother bought me Rosetta Stone Spanish CDs for my birthday last June because I told her I wanted to try to become fluent in the language. I maybe used them twice. They're currently in the drawer of my bedside table... and they're basically brand new. I should be ashamed of myself.
4. Losing 20 lbs. A coworker once said that she quantified her weight by comparing it to those one-pound packages of ground beef at the grocery store. If you tried to think about what a pound consists of in your head, it's hard to picture and it doesn't seem like much, but when you think about the fact that for every pound you've shed you've gotten rid of something comparable to a package of ground beef, that's pretty impressive! So, 20 packages of ground beef? That's a lot of frigging meat! Now I'm intimidated. Forget 20! At the rate I'm going, I'll be happy if I lose two. 'nuff said.
5. I've wanted to play the flute since I was a kid, but my parents thought the clarinet was more "practical". (I'm not really sure what their reasoning was, but back then I didn't ask questions... I just did what I was told!) Anyway, I promised myself that someday I'd learn to play. And, I set up some private lessons and everything, but I never went. I'm not sure why. By the time June rolls around, if I really try hard, I might be able to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb". If I learn one basic song, that still counts as "playing the flute", right?
6. It occurs to me that I've already been published... sorta. My friend has a blog and I wrote for her a couple times and I guess that counts. Then, there's this blog right here. I guess that sorta counts, too. But I meant it would be cool to see my name in print. I'd like to be published in a magazine or a newspaper or an official news website... not just a blog. I'm still working on that and I hope to have that nailed down by June for sure.
7. Okay, so I can swim enough to save my life, but I can't swim-swim. Like, you'll never catch me just doing leisurely laps in the pool. I want to get to that point. Can I get there by June? I'm not sure. Maybe if I start tomorrow... like, literally TOMORROW, I could get to that point by June. But I just got my hair done yesterday, so I probably won't start tomorrow cause that would be wasting the money I spent in the salon. Damn... I'm already making excuses. So, I guess we'll wait and see how this goal goes, but let's face it - it's not looking good.
8. I have always wanted to be a runner. I have so much admiration for people who go for a run and then feel GOOD afterward. I run (okay... let's be honest, I don't run. I wog.) and feel like I want to pass out, or run/wog and feel like I want to throw up. But I NEVER run/wog and feel good after. So, first of all, I'd like to run, NOT wog. And second, I'd like to run and feel good about it at the end! So, I've started this running program. And now, instead of wogging, I am trotting (not yet jogging). I'm hoping that in the next four months, I'll be able to RUN. Pray for me.
Well, after a quick review, it turns out that I'm not doing so hot with my list. I was probably better off not publishing it here, but now you know what I hope to accomplish and now you can scold me if I don't... or, if you're nice, you can just encourage me along the way as I attempt to at least make a little bit of progress on this list. I'll be back with regular updates, but I really need to get a handle on this if I hope to accomplish any of this stuff by June! Damn me and my lofty goals!
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Words of Advice for Daddy's Little Girl
So, I’ve recently discovered that my “Mystery Man” (remember him?) reads my blog. I don’t know how long he’s been reading or how much he’s read, but I know he’s reading. I don’t think it’ll change the way that I write, but it might. I can’t lie. For some reason, I care too much about what he thinks of me. And he always seems to be “discovering” things about me from what I write. We communicate a lot through writing (which could be our first mis-communication issue!), and he is always catching me with my damn foot in my mouth. And the worst taste in the world is that of your own foot! I want to stop inserting my foot in my mouth. Honestly, I do. I believe in the power of words, yet, for some reason, I am consistently careless with them. I'm gonna try to get better, though, I really am. I think part of the issue is that I've got to learn to think things out BEFORE I speak. Novel idea, huh? I've done this more than a few times recently – was careless with words. I fly off at the mouth (or at the keyboard) and then have to backtrack, explain, and apologize. Boooo! Hopefully, I won't have to do that anymore...
Anyway, I had a conversation with a male friend about relationships recently, and I was explaining to him that I keep falling for guys that aren't necessarily as into me as I am into them. I don't know how/why it keeps happening, but it does! (Sadly, this thing with "Mystery Man" is no exception!) And, this guy says to me "Didn't your daddy school you about the game?"
Well, yes. Yes, he did. My father taught me many things about dating and relationships... admittedly, some of it went in one ear and out the other, but I retained a lot of it. Actually, I think that the lessons that I learned from my father (and my grandfather, and my brother, and my cousins) actually saved me from a lot of potential heartbreak that I instead avoided as a result of heeding their advice. They put the lessons out there and I learned them... most of the time - because they'd shared their knowledge with me - I didn't have to learn the hard way! But, some of the hurt was unavoidable. Women have feelings... we meet great guys (or at least guys we THINK are great at the time) and we get caught up. That's life.
I'll never forget when I got dumped for the first time by my middle school boyfriend, Chase. Valentina delivered the news and I was devastated. I cried for days... maybe even a week (I was 13, hormonal, and had just had my heart broken for the first time... gimme a break!). My dad listened to me sob about how hurt I was, and he awkwardly hugged me and rubbed my back, and told me that "this isn't the end of the world", and that I was "the prize and it's his loss". Then, he told me that all boys wanted to do was get into my pants anyway and they'd say anything to get access to my goods. I was 13 and afraid of anything below the belt, so I didn't necessarily believe him. But when I got to be about 14.5 years old and started getting a little more bold with mine, I had a crush on this dude who tried telling me all sorts of false information in an effort to be my "first". And, every time my heart would flutter at the bullshit he was feeding me, I'd hear my dad's voice telling me that this dude was full of shit and I should proceed with caution. Needless to say, I held out for several more years and that conniving boy in particular never got close to my goodies. Thanks, Dad!
Anyway, after reflecting on my father's efforts to protect me from heartbreak got me to thinking... there are rules to this here game called love, right? So, if my guy friends were given a chance to formulate a list of lessons they'd like to teach their daughters, what would that list include? I posed the question to some guy friends and they came up with the lists below.* Do you agree with anything here? Disagree with anything? Wish to add lessons of your own?
Take a look!
1. Most men only want 1 thing
2. Never depend on a dude for anything
3. Whenever you go out with a dude keep money on your person in case he tries some BS.
4. Always keep pepperspray/mace/tazer/stun gun.
5. Learn how to fight (my daughter's gonna learn how to kick some ass male or female).
6. Don't be as pathetic as these women
7. Don't do anything to embarass Daddy.
8. I have no problem disowning you if you violate rule number 7.
9. Dudes ain't shit and your daddy's included.
10. Fuck dudes get money.
1) all men want is sex.
2) we will tell you anything to get it
3) men will only change when they want to on their terms
4) only way to really tell if he cares about you is to take sex out of the equation and see if he still tries to "earn" you
5) we are not above saying we love you when we do not mean it as long as it keeps you docile
6) men judge things in terms of power relationships and results. if we know we can cheat and you will take us back, we will cheat.
7) if he REALLY loves you, he will always put you first. i know some DAMNED good men out there but the woman don't ever appreciate them.
8) stop dyckriding alpha males. they get away w/ murder because they know women are desperate for them
9) being single is a PRIVILEGE. most of your friends in relationships are miserable as hell
10) don't let other chicks tell you about dudes cuz they aren't holding their own shyt down right 90% of the time
10. Men cheat
9. Men tell there friends everything, unless they really like a girl
8. Men dont believe in emotionally cheating
7. Not all men are the same, but 95% of them are.
6. You cant change a man.
5. Men can smell desperation and insecurity.
4. Trapping a man is the worst thing you can do.
3. Take your time when dealing with a guy. Go Slow. (In all aspects)
2. Love and respect yourself more than anything else.
1. If you are into/attracted to a guy, 2000 other women are too.
1. Make sure he Loves God, good character, and is attractive to you and your values.
2. See how dude treats people who can't do anything for him. If he is kind and can have conversations with janitors, trash men, etc, then he has character.
3. Dress to attract the type of man you want.
4. Read Proverbs 31. Do that.
5. Look up to your moms who ... Read Moreare the best role models.
6. Study the career of Jurnee Smollett. That girl has got it going on in every way.
7. Have your own identity apart from your man. He will respect you more for that.
8. Make sure he is a clean and tidy dude. Nothing worse than a messy man.
9. Cook for him on occasion, and have a lot of sex (after married).
10. I'll kill anyone who hurts you, so pick a good one.
1) Men are good at Math (There's a 10:1 chick to dyck ratio, you're replaceable)
2) Although men are good at math, you do not have to settle
3) Men are selfish
4) Want to find out if a man is really into you? Make him wait for sex (not all men are patient enough to wait you out AND play the numbers game on the side)
5) Make sure your man handles business like me! (I plan on being a model citizen by then, lol)
6) Always have your own money, especially on the first date (You don't want him feeling entitled to "more" just b/c he let you supersize...also may need cab fare home if he's acting up)
7) Men will sleep with girls, but marry women...RESPECT YOURSELF!
8) Do not compromise who you are to fit one man's requirements
9) Refers to #6, allow a man to be a man (i.e. provide, take care of you, etc.) but NEVER become dependent on him
10) You're daddy's "little" girl (and daddy has a BIG gun!)
1. The importance of family. How one treats their family is how one will treat you.
2. All men are attracted to one thing at first meeting you. But that does not mean that he is not going to get to know you.
3. #2 gives you the power , watch my ACTIONS
4. Have respect for yourself and no one will be able to disrespect you
5. You can be fly but if you dont't carry yourself with dignity you will look like trash and trash will be attracted to you
6. Keep a positive attitude and treat all people equally because you never know who is who, no matter where you are or how they look.
7. Do You. Have goals, task and aspiration to accomplish on a daily basis and you will attract the same type of individual.
8. You can fall in love more than once, FOCUS
1. Your confidence and self-respect should do a good job eliminating the type of guys you do not want.
2. Don't look to TV for your model life.
3. Listen to me and your mother!
4. Try to walk the line of being stern without being rude.
5. Smile. Look happy.
6. Listen well. If it sounds like a duck and looks like a duck...
7. Stay focused. Keep things in perspective.
8. Talk to other people! Especially us!! (a wise person has many counsellors)
9. After a date, keep the goodbye short. LOL Long goodbyes turn into other things.
*I didn't edit these lists at all, so please forgive any weird formatting or typos. These are the exact words of the guys who wrote these lists with no interference from me.
Anyway, I had a conversation with a male friend about relationships recently, and I was explaining to him that I keep falling for guys that aren't necessarily as into me as I am into them. I don't know how/why it keeps happening, but it does! (Sadly, this thing with "Mystery Man" is no exception!) And, this guy says to me "Didn't your daddy school you about the game?"
Well, yes. Yes, he did. My father taught me many things about dating and relationships... admittedly, some of it went in one ear and out the other, but I retained a lot of it. Actually, I think that the lessons that I learned from my father (and my grandfather, and my brother, and my cousins) actually saved me from a lot of potential heartbreak that I instead avoided as a result of heeding their advice. They put the lessons out there and I learned them... most of the time - because they'd shared their knowledge with me - I didn't have to learn the hard way! But, some of the hurt was unavoidable. Women have feelings... we meet great guys (or at least guys we THINK are great at the time) and we get caught up. That's life.
I'll never forget when I got dumped for the first time by my middle school boyfriend, Chase. Valentina delivered the news and I was devastated. I cried for days... maybe even a week (I was 13, hormonal, and had just had my heart broken for the first time... gimme a break!). My dad listened to me sob about how hurt I was, and he awkwardly hugged me and rubbed my back, and told me that "this isn't the end of the world", and that I was "the prize and it's his loss". Then, he told me that all boys wanted to do was get into my pants anyway and they'd say anything to get access to my goods. I was 13 and afraid of anything below the belt, so I didn't necessarily believe him. But when I got to be about 14.5 years old and started getting a little more bold with mine, I had a crush on this dude who tried telling me all sorts of false information in an effort to be my "first". And, every time my heart would flutter at the bullshit he was feeding me, I'd hear my dad's voice telling me that this dude was full of shit and I should proceed with caution. Needless to say, I held out for several more years and that conniving boy in particular never got close to my goodies. Thanks, Dad!
Anyway, after reflecting on my father's efforts to protect me from heartbreak got me to thinking... there are rules to this here game called love, right? So, if my guy friends were given a chance to formulate a list of lessons they'd like to teach their daughters, what would that list include? I posed the question to some guy friends and they came up with the lists below.* Do you agree with anything here? Disagree with anything? Wish to add lessons of your own?
Take a look!
1. Most men only want 1 thing
2. Never depend on a dude for anything
3. Whenever you go out with a dude keep money on your person in case he tries some BS.
4. Always keep pepperspray/mace/tazer/stun gun.
5. Learn how to fight (my daughter's gonna learn how to kick some ass male or female).
6. Don't be as pathetic as these women
7. Don't do anything to embarass Daddy.
8. I have no problem disowning you if you violate rule number 7.
9. Dudes ain't shit and your daddy's included.
10. Fuck dudes get money.
1) all men want is sex.
2) we will tell you anything to get it
3) men will only change when they want to on their terms
4) only way to really tell if he cares about you is to take sex out of the equation and see if he still tries to "earn" you
5) we are not above saying we love you when we do not mean it as long as it keeps you docile
6) men judge things in terms of power relationships and results. if we know we can cheat and you will take us back, we will cheat.
7) if he REALLY loves you, he will always put you first. i know some DAMNED good men out there but the woman don't ever appreciate them.
8) stop dyckriding alpha males. they get away w/ murder because they know women are desperate for them
9) being single is a PRIVILEGE. most of your friends in relationships are miserable as hell
10) don't let other chicks tell you about dudes cuz they aren't holding their own shyt down right 90% of the time
10. Men cheat
9. Men tell there friends everything, unless they really like a girl
8. Men dont believe in emotionally cheating
7. Not all men are the same, but 95% of them are.
6. You cant change a man.
5. Men can smell desperation and insecurity.
4. Trapping a man is the worst thing you can do.
3. Take your time when dealing with a guy. Go Slow. (In all aspects)
2. Love and respect yourself more than anything else.
1. If you are into/attracted to a guy, 2000 other women are too.
1. Make sure he Loves God, good character, and is attractive to you and your values.
2. See how dude treats people who can't do anything for him. If he is kind and can have conversations with janitors, trash men, etc, then he has character.
3. Dress to attract the type of man you want.
4. Read Proverbs 31. Do that.
5. Look up to your moms who ... Read Moreare the best role models.
6. Study the career of Jurnee Smollett. That girl has got it going on in every way.
7. Have your own identity apart from your man. He will respect you more for that.
8. Make sure he is a clean and tidy dude. Nothing worse than a messy man.
9. Cook for him on occasion, and have a lot of sex (after married).
10. I'll kill anyone who hurts you, so pick a good one.
1) Men are good at Math (There's a 10:1 chick to dyck ratio, you're replaceable)
2) Although men are good at math, you do not have to settle
3) Men are selfish
4) Want to find out if a man is really into you? Make him wait for sex (not all men are patient enough to wait you out AND play the numbers game on the side)
5) Make sure your man handles business like me! (I plan on being a model citizen by then, lol)
6) Always have your own money, especially on the first date (You don't want him feeling entitled to "more" just b/c he let you supersize...also may need cab fare home if he's acting up)
7) Men will sleep with girls, but marry women...RESPECT YOURSELF!
8) Do not compromise who you are to fit one man's requirements
9) Refers to #6, allow a man to be a man (i.e. provide, take care of you, etc.) but NEVER become dependent on him
10) You're daddy's "little" girl (and daddy has a BIG gun!)
1. The importance of family. How one treats their family is how one will treat you.
2. All men are attracted to one thing at first meeting you. But that does not mean that he is not going to get to know you.
3. #2 gives you the power , watch my ACTIONS
4. Have respect for yourself and no one will be able to disrespect you
5. You can be fly but if you dont't carry yourself with dignity you will look like trash and trash will be attracted to you
6. Keep a positive attitude and treat all people equally because you never know who is who, no matter where you are or how they look.
7. Do You. Have goals, task and aspiration to accomplish on a daily basis and you will attract the same type of individual.
8. You can fall in love more than once, FOCUS
1. Your confidence and self-respect should do a good job eliminating the type of guys you do not want.
2. Don't look to TV for your model life.
3. Listen to me and your mother!
4. Try to walk the line of being stern without being rude.
5. Smile. Look happy.
6. Listen well. If it sounds like a duck and looks like a duck...
7. Stay focused. Keep things in perspective.
8. Talk to other people! Especially us!! (a wise person has many counsellors)
9. After a date, keep the goodbye short. LOL Long goodbyes turn into other things.
*I didn't edit these lists at all, so please forgive any weird formatting or typos. These are the exact words of the guys who wrote these lists with no interference from me.
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