Monday, June 08, 2009

The People You Meet on FACEBOOK!

So, its 3:38am on Friday, June 5 and I'm waiting for my ride to the airport so I can catch a flight to the Caribbean to celebrate my 30th birthday. Surreal.

Anywho, I discovered this nifty little thing on Blogger that lets me post things today, but they show up whenever I want them to... who knew!?! So, this post is scheduled to show up on my birthday, which is June 8th. Happy birthday to me! I'm 30! Wow.

I wanted to make sure that you didn't get bored while I was gone, so I went ahead and asked James ( to be Guest Blogger again and he's provided me with another witty, insightful post. This was written a few years ago, so if it sounds dated, that's why! Enjoy!

being a relative term, of course, since I’ve only had any contact with roughly half the people I know on here in person. Does art imitate life, life imitate art, or does Facebook imitate life? Because like life, Facebook certainly has its share of characters. Here are a few...

The Friend You Never Knew You Had
This is the person who randomly adds you as a friend one day, and you’re absolutely certain you guys do NOT know each other. Yet when you go check to see if you have any mutual friends, you see some insane number like 300. How we've managed to have so many friends in common without ever having seen each other is beyond me. Seriously, How the fu-- do we have 300 friends in common and I’ve never met you?? This person has somehow existed in a parallel universe where they’ve been to the same places as you, same events, even met the same people, yet somehow never managed to cross your path until now. Amazing.

The Lovebirds
That friend of yours who is now in a relationship…and wants the world to know. Do they simply list themselves as being ”in a relationship” like normal people? Of course not. Instead they create multiple albums entitled “me and my boo” or “me and my baby” or “I’m in love”…where basically you see about 50 photos of them playing kissy face with their boos in each album….even worse are all their wall signings to each other that show up in your update: “I love you, sweetie” “I miss you, honey”. ABSOLUTELY SICKENING. Two things I find comical about this, though. #1 maybe it’s because I’ve been single for several years, but when the hell did couples ever spend the majority of their time just taking photos of each other together in a room? is that foreplay? #2 When breakup time comes, their entire page gets blown up. They’re now listed as single, albums are missing, photos are missing, notes and poems come down, a depressing status message comes up, and that boyfriend/girlfriend is de-tagged out of existence. You almost wonder if they were ever there in the first place..they disappear worse than one of the twins' exes on sweet valley high. Don't ask me how I know about sweet valley high.

The App Acceptor
This is the person who cannot or will not stop accepting facebook applications, no matter how useless they may be. You go to their wall to say hi, and you end up waiting half an hour for their page to load, because in addition to their regular wall they’ve got a superwall, funwall, top friends, music player, gifts, growing gifts, stickys , scrapboxes…the list goes on. So you say “fukk it” and just send them a note. But it gets worse…they start sending YOU vampire bites and zombie bites and superpokes and compare requests and “you’re a hottie” and motherfucking TV show trivia…wtf??? Tv show trivia??? DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE YOU GOT A 75% ON A ‘FAMILY MATTERS’ QUIZ? SHYT WAS ON FOR 20 YEARS YOU SHOULDA GOT A HUNDRED!

The Repressed Homosexual
For all the men on here…ever had a man send you a “poke”? Put a smiley face at the end of a sentence? Or maybe compliment you on any of your photos? They’ll say something like “looking good in that suit, man!” Pretty weird, isn’t it? It’s because those dudes are BLADES…and trust me, they’re lurking on the book. You suspect something when you get that random friend request, but you let it rock because you don’t want to seem shortsighted or ignorant. They then start signing your wall, commenting on your photos, and sending you notes, all without saying anything overtly gay, but you know better; they’re just a little TOO friendly. I personally raise an eyebrow when dudes I don’t know from Adam start greeting me with exclamation marks in their sentences. But you still don’t have enough hard evidence to rush to judgment. Then one day they hit you up on facebook chat at 3 am with a “hey, you”. If a man hits me up at 3 am it had either better be an emergency, he's in a different time zone, or he has some chicks lined up somewhere for us. Otherwise it gets filed under "gay".

The Birthday Greeters
You wake up one morning and there’s a friendly greeting on your wall…”happy birthday!” That’s strange…you don’t recognize this person…in fact you’ve never met them: It’s that girl you added as a friend a yr ago because you thought she was cute. For whatever reason, she accepted…but you 2 have never so much as said hello to each other. But because her feed shows it’s your birthday, she greets you with it. Still kinda strange but you appreciate it because it’s a nice gesture and she didn’t really have to do it. Then you see the rest of your wall throughout the day…who are these people? When did you make so many friends? Why haven’t we spoken in 364 days? Should I send each one of them a thank you ? (For the record I try to greet them on their b-days as well-no way I’m sending back 300 thank yous.). But there is something to be said for a person you hear from once a year like clockwork. It's like that deadbeat dad who sends you 50 bucks every b-day and proceeds to ignore you the rest of the year.

The person You Haven’t Seen In DUMB LONG
You were real cool w/ this person some years ago but they just vanished off radar one day…until you get that friend request on Facebook. They won’t even send you a message or anything asking how you’ve been…just a friend request. ITS UP TO YOU to then investigate their whereabouts. You hit them up and ask them “where the fukk have you been?” and they tell you “just been working and chilling”. Is that so? For years that's all you've been doing, huh? Motherfu---r, I’ve been doing the exact same thing but people still know where to find my azz!!!

JPD stands for Just Plain Delusional. I do believe beauty is subjective. I believe looks are not important. I am not superficial at all. BUT COME ON…WHAT ARE SOME OF THESE PEOPLE THINKING WHEN THEY POST PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES IN THESE CGI GROUPS? Why do you want random strangers rating you? What’s hilarious is that they will get on there and try to argue with all of the people clowning their photo. If you have to try to CONVINCE people that you’re attractive…well… it probably means otherwise. Then there are the ones who post up photos that HIGHLIGHT what might be wrong with the way they look. They’re just asking for trouble. If you have a unibrow, for example, is an extreme closeup really necessary? Is it really a good idea to include your way better looking friend in your photo? Is it really a good idea to appear shirtless if you way 91 pounds?

The Millennium Pic Club
I have 40 photos you can view on facebook and I willingly pose for maybe 12 new ones a year. There are some people on Facebook with 3,000…and counting. That’s a ratio of 80:1. For me to catch up, I would have to quit my job and sit in front of a camera 8 hours a day for 2 years, assuming I could snap 2 photos a minute and had access to 412 double A batteries and 100gb of memory, while giving up up food and water during those periods. The point being that having 3,000 photos on facebook might be a little bit excessive, especially if you’re not employed as a professional model. You do realize we have a pretty decent idea what you look like at about the 20th photo, right?

The Expensive Party Thrower
Say one of your friends has a birthday coming up. They’ll send out a mass note (which appears in your inbox about a half dozen times) announcing the party is at some nightclub, right? But they’ll try to make it seem like its not gonna cost you an arm and a leg to go. The note will typically read something like this:
“Just say you’re on Ramona’s guest list and admission is only 25 dollars before midnight!”

WTF kind of discount is that?

The Excited Freshman
Their page says class of ’13. Yup, this is that naive 17 yr. old headed off to college for the first time so they spend the entire summer prior adding everyone they can find from their school to their friend’s list and go on a wall signing rampage. It goes pretty well at first-until they stumble upon an athlete or frat dude’s page. This is where you better hope they have a strong father figure in their life because things are about to get very interesting from that point on. She can either become a) the groupie/passed around chick with a nickname, or b) the feminist academic who won’t take crap from men. If they ever land on my page I'll try to sway them towards B, although I’m more inclined to turn off my computer and consult with my attorney if I get a friend request from someone whose birthday is 1990.

The Facebook Player
First off, you can’t really be a player on facebook. Well you probably can, but it’s not without its challenges. The problem is, the chicks that you’re fucking like to monitor your wall and photo albums, not just occasionally, but VIGILANTLY. And if there is a woman she suspects has something going on with you, she'll make sure she monitors that page and wall as well. This is the guy who spends an absurd amount of time deleting comments and wall posts from girls that might get him in trouble, or detagging himself out of incriminating pictures he appears in with random women that would arouse suspicion from his main girl. These photos usually include him kissing and cuddling, or have descriptions from the girl putting them up like “me and my boo just hanging out”. He likes to hide his relationship status, so instead of being single or in a relationship, it will simply not have anything there. You can try Limited Profiling yourself but you will come to find that women who have sex with you HATE being limited profiled! Facebook has ruined as many relationships as it’s started, and you can be damned certain that your girl(s) is monitoring your page as we speak. So unless your women are all really stupid, one of them will notice the constant deletions or get to your page before you do. Then you end up like this guy:

The Enthusiastic Tagger
This person will tag everyone and everything they can in every photo that they take. They'll even go to OTHER people's photos and start tagging people they know on there as well. Sometimes they’ll tag someone who just randomly wandered into the background. They'll even tag people who are NOT on facebook. This practice isn’t bad in itself, but it gets ridiculous once they start tagging people’s body parts that just made the frame…like a leg or the back of a person’s head. I can assure you, no one will be scanning your photos looking for Valerie’s arm or Jason’s elbow.

The Frienemy
You accepted this person’s friend request because you vaguely remember them from school... but some time later you realize something: you hate this guy’s guts. In fact, you’ve NEVER liked this guy, but for some reason they always considered you a friend. Then you find out they haven’t changed a bit. The reason you hated them in the first place is because they’re egotistical, pretentious, arrogant, brag too much, and are selfish. So you try to be nice and ask them what’s going on, and they send back a paragraph on your wall bragging about what they’re doing, what degrees they have, what model chick they’re dating, how much money they have, places they’ve been, etc. you’d like to write back and let them know you could give 2 fucks, but restrain yourself because doing so would mean you DO care. It’s a losing battle, man.

The TMI Feeder
Ever have someone you know leave something totally inappropriate on your wall? It’s like they don’t realize all of your mutual friends will see it in their feed. I’ve read stuff like “what happened with that guy you went home with last night?” or “still waiting on my STD results keep your fingers crossed!”

The Wall Terrorist
Aptly named, because this person literally blows up your wall. You ask them what’s up? They respond with a 2 paragraph biography…on your wall. You try to end the wall exchange by saying “ok, thanks talk to you soon” and sure enough you get a response 4 minutes later...on your wall. You ignore that last response and they just tack on something else in a couple hours...on your wall. These people are intent on actually carrying an entire adult conversation via your walls, and seem to have all the time and resources in the world to accomplish this. Can anything stop them?

The guy with no shot
This is the guy on facebook who has a crush on someone, but makes it ridiculously obvious. He always leaves a complimentary comment on any new photo she adds, and the compliments in question are usually so transparent you can picture the drool on his keyboard. But you notice she never hits him back. He tags her first in anything he writes, but she won't even respond to that. In fact, if he wasn’t the one hitting her up each time, they would never speak. For some reason, he thinks communicating via facebook increases the odds that she’ll go out with him, but that’s about as likely as having a black president Michael Jackson getting a babysitting reference.

Jeff Johnson
No introductions necessary. I'm Pretty sure every single person who reads this knows who I'm talking about. This man knows everyone-I mean everyone- on Facebook, even more so than the creators. I believe he is the one they call on for any Beta testing. There isn't an application that gets put in without his approval. What I'm trying to say is that this man is quite possibly Facebook's version of a higher power. Yup, God MC, him, J-hova. Were Facebook to go public, I suspect that his shares would be worth north of a billion dollars. To put things into perspective, since 2003, I've had about 1300 people sign my wall. In that same timeframe, I believe he has amassed 6 million. Let us pray.


Anonymous said...

This was hilarious. Great post!

And Happy Birthday (again).

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