Tuesday, June 02, 2009

The People You Meet at the Club (Guest Blogger!)

I believe I mentioned this in my previous post, but... in just a few days, I'm headed to the Caribbean with some of my best friends to celebrate my 30th birthday! Unfortunately, this is also a really busy time for me at work, so between working late everyday this week and preparing for my trip, I'm not going to have much of a chance to write. But for your entertainment, I've invited a guest blogger to fill in the gaps. I've never used guest bloggers before, although I have lifted posts (verbatim!) from other sites when I was too lazy to write something original. Lol! Relax, I've given credit to the authors! I'd never try to pass off anyone else's writing as my own.

For our first guest blogger, I've enlisted my friend James Davermann. James is a twentysomething professional, smart, funny (hilarious, in fact), extremely observant, and majorly insightful guy. He also asked me to mention that he's SINGLE and looking for a little summer romance. LOL! Anyway, I've never been disappointed with James's writing and I'm excited to share it with you. If you've got questions for James (or want to set up a blind date), you can contact him directly at jdavermann@yahoo.com.

So... this is my last post as a twentysomething. That shit is surreal! And when I return to the blog for my next post, I'll be lovelier (hopefully!), BROWNER, and (Dear God!) one year older...


Nightclubs are peculiar places. Where else will you find dudes paying 20-30 dollars just to get in while dropping another 50 -100 on watered down drinks for the privilege of dancing w/ females in a cramped, crowded spot to really loud, horrible music?

Personally, i hate those places and stay as far away as i can, but i have a number of friends who insist on dragging me to after work events, parties, birthday parties, etc...all at nightclubs. I'm more likely to just play the wall and observe, and I've seen a pretty interesting cast of characters. Here are a few:

The Usher Wannabee:
You know the outfit. dress shirt. jeans. white air force ones. Topped off With a Blazer and a fitted (baseball cap). Walk into any club on any given day and there will be at least 25 dudes with that exact same outfit on. It's one thing to want to be like Usher so you can bag chicks...but Usher circa 2005?? can we get an update?

The Dude Who's Too Old To Be At The Club:
These are the dudes that just refuse to let go of their glory days. They're not super old, but definitely closer to their 40s than their 20s. Fairly easy to spot. sometimes they'll have one thing on them that gives away their age. It might be a pink suit. A jheri curl. Some orange gators. A perm. Maybe they're carrying a pimp cane. Receding hairline a given. Might have the top buttons on their shirt unbuttoned with plenty of chest hair visible. NO BUENO. Sometimes they'll say stuff that gives them away. like calling girls "sugah". or ordering a "Colt .45" at the bar. Oftentimes they just look like that uncle you see at your family reunion feeling up on all your cousins. They should realize that kicking it to 18 yr olds makes them look even older, like grandpa old.

The Ugly Blocker:
Every group of pretty girls you meet has that ONE ugly chick whose sole purpose is to hate on you. They may not be nearly as attractive as the rest so they make it their mission to c-ck block any man who dares approach a pretty one. Their job is to keep you from bagging any of their friends at all costs...and they do it well. I swear every time i see a group of dimes come in they have one of these with them. The minute you approach the girl you're into her DESIGNATED U.B. springs into action. She'll start rolling her eyes at everything you say, will interrupt you nonstop, and will keep saying slick shyt in her girl's ear. Her body language and constant interference will make it impossible for you to get a rapport going. Here's a sample convo:

dude: excuse me, I...
dude: I wasn't talking to you.
UGLY BLOCKER: and you WON'T be talking to my homegirl either! go try to run your game on the next chick cuz she ain't the one!
dude: you don't even know me and you're jumping to conclusions. I'm a good guy and...
UGLY BLOCKER: N---AZ AIN'T SHYT! Come on, girl let's get out of here.

Worse, the pretty girls will look to her to determine whether to give you a shot or not! so if you end up telling the UGLY BLOCKER off, you may as well kiss the friend goodbye. Unless you have a good wingman willing to "take one for the team", your chances of success are slim at best.

The Professional Dancer:
ever start dancing with a girl and she treats it like a Ciara video shoot? She'll start doing backflips, pirouettes, spin moves poplocks...damn! they don't know anything about regular one on one dancing. Same with dudes. instead of grinding on a chick like a normal male, these dudes are out there looking like chris brown's little brother, spinning on their heads and shyt. This ain't Step Up 2! Is anyone really impressed with these displays at a nightclub?

The Fake Lesbians:
Ever been to a club and spotted that group of pretty girls who ONLY want to dance with each other? These ladies will turn down every request to dance-from a male. they will instead dance all over each other, feel each other up, get up on a bar and start doing it, and basically spend the night acting like lesbians. The kicker is they're really straight. Oftentimes they're having a "Girls Night Out" or are just on some man hating shyt (bad breakup, found out they were a jumpoff, etc) and this is the routine they use to keep the thirsty dudes away.

The Real Lesbians:
They do everything the Fake Lesbians do, except that they'll be making out in a corner before the night is over. Most of them go to regular clubs because they don't like clubs with labels (gay, straight, black crowd, white crowd, etc.). It's also probably annoying fighting over girls with the manly butch ones.

Every club is littered with these 15 and 16 yr. olds trying to act grown. Nowadays you can't even really tell by looks alone. My advice to you: if she giggles alot, thinks you're smarter then you really are, can't accurately describe specifics about her career, wont let you call after 11, always has to meet you or get dropped off at random locations, and seems to be REALLY into you even though you have no prior history of being a ladies' man, you might be looking at 10-20 w/ the possibility of parole in 8.

This is the dude who is DIESEL AS HELL, but has on a medium shirt and walks around flexing. What a tool. You want nothing more than to pull him aside and say "dude, i can see your heartbeat-please go get a 3XL". But that would be suicide. So you let it rock.

The Pretty Bartender:
You can never tell if they're really flirting with you or just want a better tip. considering i've never managed to successfully date any, but probably handed over hundreds in tips over the years even though i don't drink, i'm inclined to believe the latter.

The Strobelight Honey:
Depending on the lighting in a club, sometimes you'll find yourself grinding on the girl w/ the sexy silhouette. Until the strobelight hits and you catch a glimpse of the face. Yuck. yup, it's the ugly blocker. You then proceed to do the running man.

The Big Girls:
If you're ever bored at the club do yourself a favor and find that group of Big Girls. Guaranteed they're the people having the most fun there. They just don't give a damn. You gotta chill w/ them...if anything just to see what happens when that song "Watchout for the Big Girls" comes on. you won't regret it. Time of your life.

The Thugs:
These dudes are somehow able to make it in despite the dress code. They walk around mean muggin' EVERYONE in the joint...even chicks. They roll deep and have enough drug money in their pockets to buy out the bar. They have more tattoos than the Denver Nuggets. if the song "Ante Up" comes on, hit the deck. The women there will all be strangely drawn to them. Tread lightly, don't make any eye contact, and apologize to them even if they're the ones who bump into you or step on your white kicks. They're the number one reason why clubs in the hood get shot up and your mans still has that champagne bottle stuck in his frontal lobe.

The Antisocial Dime:
Dresses very provocatively, holds on to her drink tightly, and looks like the 2nd coming of Rosalyn Sanchez. Simply put, a very aesthetically beautiful woman. But that's where it ends. Will stand smack dab in the middle of the place by herself....and proceed to turn down EVERY SINGLE MAN who approaches. She won't want to chat, talk, or dance. She will turn her head or roll her eyes if you even try to greet her. I'm still trying to figure out what they're doing in the club in the first place.

The Guy Who Cant Dance:
This dude is a pretty good catch. well dressed, educated, women think he's cute, etc...then some lucky girl will slowly creep up on him after T-Pain comes on, and she'll find herself witnessing a grown man doing the robot. This guy has spent so much time going to school and going to work, he never actually picked up dancing. he's stiff, never seems to get into a rhythm, goes in all the wrong directions, and looks very uncomfortable when a woman puts her a$$ in his crotch. DAMN SHAME.

The Dude Who Can Salsa:
you could be the best looking dude in the room. you can be the richest. you can be the tallest. You can be all three. BUT YOU WON'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST THE DUDE WHO CAN SALSA. When he comes through, clear the floor. makes the biggest Alpha Male look average in comparison. he will have chicks swooning with his moves. He'll be dipping them, spinning them, and doing things that completely take their breath away. doesn't even matter what he looks like; the chicks will be lining up for this guy. Even if you're there with your wifey she'll be tempted to jump ship. This guy probably has the best chance of pulling a one night stand out of all the dudes in there.

The Single Girl With The Boyfriend:
This girl is actually pretty receptive to your advances initially. maybe you dance a couple of times-VERY closely. go to the bar and chit chat, or just hang out. FOR HOURS. You'll start feeling like you bagged yourself a good one. Not so fast... time and again, and i mean this never fails, she will find the most RANDOM time to tell you she has a BOYFRIEND. It's like clockwork! Never fails to amaze me, the creative way she manages to randomly insert mention of a BOYFRIEND into the conversation right when you've hit it off. you feel even stupider if you've bought her drinks by that point.

sample convo:

YOU: wow, we've danced all night; even to merengue. that's crazy cuz those songs run about 20 minutes
Her: I know, right! I didn't think you'd be able to keep up with me
YOU: Normally I wouldn't. but I was really having a good time
Her: me too. I had fun
You: Glad to hear it. Maybe we should do it again? well, anything else besides dancing, i mean
Her: Definitely! I'd like that.
You: great. so what do you do for fun?
Her: I like to go skiing. What about you?
YOU: Oh, that's cool. I pretty much do anything that keeps the adrenaline going. Skydiving, for example. And i like to race my bike
Her: oh, my BOYFRIEND just got a motorcycle. Those things are scary. He tries to get me to ride with him but I always turn him down. I'm worried he'll hurt himself one day.
YOU: umm...I beg your pardon?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"dude, i can see your heartbeat-please go get a 3XL" HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!