The End of a Beginning

I haven’t written in awhile because, frankly, I find it quite exhausting to write about my love life. Writing about love in the hypothetical sense is, naturally, much easier… and it’s pretty easy to write about topics that have nothing to do with love at all. But, like it or not, this blog has become a “relationship” blog. I mean, I want to write about my life, and the most dynamic and dramatic part of my life is not work, family, or hobbies, but rather my romantic exploits.

Don’t get me wrong – writing about my love life was fun for awhile. I created “characters” who symbolized the guys that I’ve dated and I gave them aliases and then I thinly-veiled their identities and wrote about real-life experiences. And I did this all operating under the assumption that I was safe because I was blogging (semi) anonymously. And, for the most part, I was able to publish private thoughts and incidents and still emerge unscathed because the guys that I dated were either too stupid to read or too self-centered to take my little “blogging hobby” seriously. But, if they’d just read my blog, they would’ve learned a lot about what I was thinking and seeking and maybe it would’ve lead to much healthier dating experiences that actually resulted in legitimate relationships. But, again, that didn’t happen, so those guys didn’t know what I was thinking or seeking and, alas, we never ended up on the same page.

And, then, there was Him. So, “Him” actually refers to someone that I’ve introduced before. Back then, I called him the Older Man. He wasn’t really a dynamic character on the Brown Girl blog because I didn’t know enough about him to flesh out his personality. And I personally never thought he’d be interested enough in what I wrote to actually check out my blog.

A few weeks ago, I discovered that my assumption was wrong when he flat out told me, by email, that he reads my blog. And, yep, he said it just like that: “I read your blog.” That’s all the message said. He doesn’t mince words – there’s no time for that. Immediately after reading the message, I freaked. It had been awhile since I’d posted anything at all on the blog, so I couldn’t remember the last thing that I’d said about him. But, I didn’t freak completely out because I figured that I’d been vague enough about his identity, so (because I’m the only person in the world who knows how to read between the lines, duh!) he would never figure out the role he played.

I responded to his email, saying “Do you? I had no idea.”

He replied, “Yeah. I posted something a few weeks ago.”

Pause.

Yes, that’s right. Not only did Homey READ the blog, he also commented. “Anonymous”ly, of course.

I chuckled, frowned, took a deep breath and grabbed my laptop. I logged into my Blogger account to pour through any and all comments posted by “Anonymous” to try to determine which comment was his. As I was doing this, I receive another message from Older Man saying, “I’m going to sleep, baby. ‘Older Guy’?!?”

Now, THAT… well… THAT stopped me in my tracks. So, he knew I was referring to him, huh? Wow. Okay… then, of course I had to go through all the posts that mentioned the Older Man to determine whether I’d said anything that would be potentially damaging. But as I did a quick rundown of the timing, I realized that he’d probably read everything I had to say to him before any romance began between us anyway.

So, yeah, that deserves a little update. The Older Man – and, if you’re reading this (and I know you are!), I’m sorry Older Man… but I just can’t think of anything else to call you right now! – turned out to be absolutely wonderful! The few weeks that we spent being enamored with each other included some of the best dating experiences I’ve had in my young life. (Which, now that I think about it, is pretty sad and serves as a testament to the fact that I need to step up my dating game. Not that time spent with the Older Man wasn’t wonderful… it was just very short-lived. But, I guess it’s true what they say – it’s more about quality than quantity.) He held my hand, opened doors, told me (quite regularly) that I was beautiful, paid for meals/drinks/cab rides/etc., respected my boundaries, and just generally treated me like a lady. Good times… *sigh*

Anyway, all that pursuing shit that I talked about? He introduced me to it, and then he showed me how it was supposed to be done. Boy have I been getting the short end of the stick with all these other losers I’ve been dating. But the Older Man really raised the bar. And for that I’ll be eternally grateful.

Unfortunately, though, things didn’t work out between us. I could go into detail, but I won’t because I respect his privacy. And just like he saw through my little alias for him, someone else familiar with our circumstances might as well. He doesn’t at all deserve for me to put him on blast, so out of respect for him, I’ll leave the details out. Let’s just say that he’s very generous, respectful, and protective. I felt safe and cared-for whenever we were together. He is ruled by rationality, and is extremely methodical and deliberate about every move he makes. While that could be nerve-racking to some people, I found it oddly comforting. He reminds me SO much of my father! And, you all know the kind of volatile relationship that I have with my father. But I understand my Daddy… and I know that at his core he’s a solid and noble person and that he’d lay down his life for me. I honestly think that had things developed further with me and the Older Man, I could expect the same type of care and concern from him. And that, to me, is the ultimate

At any rate, he could’ve been the Great Romance of my life. I honestly believe that things could’ve been that good. But as people say, when something seems too good to be true, it likely is. He wasn’t the problem… I mean, he was, but not really. Let’s just say that there are a lot of little things that contributed to the breakdown of this really fragile but beautiful thing that we’d worked to build. We were just laying the foundation for something greater when circumstances caused us to have to change course midstream. And it turns out that our change in course is leading us in different directions. We had to end when we were just beginning. It sucks, but… it’s the way it has to be for now. I understand that and I’m okay with it.

Oh, and, after Easter Sunday, I didn’t talk to Charlie again. I guess he finally gave up, which is fine with me. I was pretty much done with him anyway.

Anyway, I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and everything happens in due time. For some reason, this just isn’t my time… but, I’m remaining hopeful!

And, I know I started this post talking about how difficult it is to blog about my personal relationships, but no… my blog didn’t directly contribute to the demise of my relationship with the Older Man. But… he did admonish me for constricting him to such a one-dimensional character… the Older Man. He thought that was so boring. And, he warned me to be more sensitive, saying that I should recognize that some of the people I’m writing about DO read my blog. He has a point. I’ve gotten some negative feedback about my blog from two men I care very much about. But it’s so hard to write posts and then have to edit them to make sure that they’re sensitive yet honest. Sensitivity vs. Honesty. That is a VERY delicate balance. If I’m sensitive to the people of whom I speak, do I end up writing a less honest blog post? Sure. And if I’m too honest about my thoughts and feelings is there a chance that I might end up being insensitive to someone I care deeply for? Of course.

Sooo… what to do, what to do?

With no real solution, let's get back to the real topic.

Yeah… so… things are finished for me and the Older Man. I miss him, though, y’all. He was good to me and he taught me to want more for myself. (Another Lesson in Love. Yay!). I think there’ll be another man in my future that’ll take things even a step further. I look forward to that. But, for now, I’m in mourning for what could’ve been with the Older Man.

And, yes, even though shit gets touchy when you post stuff on your blog for (potentially) the whole world to see, I'm still writing about it all on the internet. (for now)