Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Conversations and Revelations

I need my behind kicked. It's almost been a month since my last post, and a lot has happened. I'll give you the gist, but I'm gonna do it in two parts because I have a bunch of shit going on and don't have time to hammer out an extra-long post to fill you in. Plus, I'm sure you wouldn't want to read some monster essay on my life for the last three weeks. So, here's the beginning:

Whaddya know, peeps? I actually had that conversation with my Mystery Man a few weeks ago. We spent the day together and it was absolutely fabulous. And, as usual, I was afraid to rock the boat, so I didn’t want to bring up any volatile subjects that might ruin the good time we were having. But, as I stated before, this is the reason why nothing ever gets accomplished – because I’m too afraid to rock the boat.

In the evening, we were sitting outside on a bench looking at the goings on around us, and I just asked… “So where is this going?”

It was almost like he was prepared for the question, but I didn’t get the answer I’d wanted to hear. I recovered quickly because it was like I already knew what his response would be. After all, as I’ve said before, if I have to ask the question, I already know the answer.

But, I wasn’t mad. I just figured that our timing was off and I held in my tears until I was in my car headed home. Only then did the tears begin to flow, but I didn’t even cry for long. Mostly I cried because I was embarrassed for putting myself out there and then getting rejected. But then I stopped crying when I realized how good it felt to have taken matters into my own hands and gotten the answers I needed and deserved. It became apparent to me that if I’d never asked the question, we probably would’ve continued down the path we were headed, which wasn’t necessarily bad, but it wasn’t good either.

There’s not a lot to tell after that. I mean, I knew we’d still keep in touch after that because we’d been friends for a long time prior to our recent romantic escapades… and I knew that I wasn’t comfortable with just letting all that history fall to the wayside. So, we’ve talked… and we’ve even seen each other since then. But, I’m trying to keep my wits about me. I have to recognize that just because he’s still nice to me and just because we are in contact pretty regularly doesn’t mean that his feelings about us being together have changed. It’s hard to keep that in perspective, but… you know. Handling this situation with the appropriate level of care and conscientiousness is an uphill battle and all, but so far it seems to be one that I am winning.

Steve Harvey was right… you gotta ask those ever important questions EARLY to make sure that you’re not wasting your time with the wrong person. I don’t think that I wasted my time with Mystery Man. He's an excellent person and I'm especially fond of him for sure. I'm not giving up hope on him yet... (this may sound pathetic, but it's true!). Not that my Mystery Man is Mr. Wrong, but I do know that he’s not Mr. Right... for now at least. There are so many things that I adore about this man and my feelings haven’t changed just because he’s not ready to take things to the next level. But, the bottomline is that my experience with Mystery Man allowed me to recognize that I want to date and eventually be in a relationship… particularly in a relationship with HIM, but if that doesn’t work out (and it seems that it won’t), then with another worthy candidate. I’ve been single for over two years! That’s too long for a girl like me to be living the single life. I’d like to at least be dating someone seriously and I know that in order for that to happen, I’ve got to make myself available and receptive to meeting new people and allowing them into my life. Believe it or not, that’s really hard for me. I don’t readily allow people – men in particular – to win my trust. So, I figured that it’d be best for me to PRAY about being receptive and willing to put myself out there to meet new people.

Now, I pray often, but I’ve been backsliding on the church thing. However, as I'm sure you know, this past Sunday was Easter and every Christian worth his/her salt makes a trip to church on Easter. It’s the one time out of the year that Christians feel so guilty about all their hedonistic activities that not only will they attend church service, but they’ll show up on time (or early!) and in new clothes to boot! So, anyway, I performed my familial dduties and drove my grandmother to church on Sunday morning. I dropped her off at the handicap entrance, parked the car around the corner, and headed inside.

When I got to the vestibule of the sanctuary, who do I run into but Charlie! I have to admit that he looked quite dapper in his pinstriped suit and he had a fresh shape-up… Lord knows that I have a weakness for that! He immediately walks up to me and asks why I haven’t returned his calls. I don’t even remember the last time he called me, so I realize that I must’ve left him hanging for quite some time. I play it off the best I can (obviously I can’t lie given the fact that I’m standing in the church house!) and he brushes it off and tells me he forgives me, but doesn’t want it to happen again. He smiles and I suddenly have the thought that I don’t remember him being this handsome before.

“Where are you sitting?” he asks, as we wait in the vestibule for the ushers to let us into the sanctuary.

“I’m not sure yet,” I say.

“Well, I’m sitting wherever you’re sitting,” he says.

We go inside the sanctuary and there are hardly any seats because every Christian and his/her mother is present on this day of worship! Finally, we find a seat in the second row, which makes me very uncomfortable. I prefer to sit in the back of the sanctuary… and I certainly would’ve preferred it with Charlie at my side. People in the church talk and I don’t need anyone asking any embarrassing questions after the service is over. We sit down and I can feel the eyes of the older ladies who are friends with my mother and grandmother boring into the back of my head. I ignore them and actually really enjoy service. For one, Charlie smells really nice. Then, I notice that he’s singing along with all the hymns… and he knows all the words without looking at the hymnal! And, he and I share a Bible during the scripture and he lets his finger run along the page to help me keep up with the minister who’s doing the reading. These are not big things, but they are impressive to me for some reason. I started to view Charlie in a different light. He’s not so bad after all.

He’s been pretty consistent about the fact that he likes me and I have to respect that. After all these years, I am still fascinated when someone tells me that they like me in a romantic sense. Not that I don’t believe that I’m worthy of being liked… it’s just really a good feeling to know that all the things about you have come together nicely and caused another person to be attracted to you… for whatever reason. It’s a phenomenal feeling to be liked.

Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m in love with Charlie… or even that I like him enough to date him (!), but after church he hugs me and, as we part company, asks me to call him later… and I know that I will.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

proud of you for asking the question, even though you already knew the answer if you had to ask, sometimes you need to hear the answer to really know. proud of you for moving on and taking care of you. proud of you for realizing your worth. proud of you for reminding many of us that not bad isn't good.