So work is not just slow… it’s basically come to a grinding HALT. And that’s fine by me! I’m using this time to make me a better person… and trying to help make my friends better people, too! I think my friends are fabulous and I love them for who they are, but there’s room for improvement in all of us! I hope that my idle time can result in some positive results for us all.
Since I’ve been back from the 30th bday vacay, I’ve been obsessively nursing this allergic reaction and the aftermath and also looking for ways to better myself (did I already mention that? LOL!), so that hasn’t given me much time or energy to write. I wrote yesterday’s post last Friday, but didn’t post it until yesterday because I was being lazy and didn’t want to proofread it. And I figured that I’d continue to write posts until I couldn’t write anymore and that would put me ahead of the game. I could enter them all into Blogger and set the little timer that allows me to have them publish whenever I want to see them show up on here. But, sadly, the “couldn’t write anymore” part came sooner than I expected!
It’s crazy because sometimes I’ll be on the train or walking home from the train station and all these blog post ideas will be swirling around in my head, but when I sit down and actually put fingers to keys… my brain shuts down. I guess that’s what people call writer’s block. It’s not that you don’t’ have the ideas, it’s just that something is standing in the way and preventing you from actually putting those ideas down on paper. And the shit is really frustrating! I think I mentioned this before in another post, but having writer’s block could be likened to being constipated. It’s no freakin fun… and unfortunately, there’s no such thing as Ex-Lax for writers! So basically, this mess has been kickin my ass! Ugh! I think I’m just going to regularly throw some bullshit on paper and post it… at least until I’m able to put a coherent thought together for y’all.
So, let me start by listing some things that have been on my mind this week:
1) I am really, really feeling Drake. I downloaded one of his “mixtapes” and I love every track! If you don’t know who Drake is, Google him… but be sure to say you’re looking for “Drake the rapper”. Otherwise, you’ll get a bunch of random rock bands and stuff and it won’t be who you’re looking for.
2) I still don’t get Twitter. Like… at all! I mean, wtf am I supposed to do – catalog my life in 140 characters or less? And the little text box at the top of the screen says “What are you doing?” But the worst part about it is that usually the only time I remember to tweet is when I ain’t doin shit! And who wants to hear about me twiddling my thumbs?! Nobody. My point exactly. And if I was legitimately busy, would I interrupt the flow to come up with some witty 140-character recap purely for the entertainment of my handful of followers? Probably not. Hence the one-month tweet hiatus. Don’t know if I’ll go back, but I’m highly doubtful.
3) I need a boo. Badly. I am still on this celibacy kick and, frankly, it’s getting old really fast. Unfortunately, I respect myself too much to make just anybody a jumpoff. I’m one of those breeds of women who finds it imperative to have the emotional/physical/spiritual connection fully poppin before the clothes come off. Sucks for me! I’ve put both MBF and TDH on notice that they are to be on the lookout for potential boos within their circles (they both know a lot of people!). They both agreed but neither was enthusiastic. Selfish bastards! Although, I guess TDH really isn't that selfish since he offered his services to me instead of helping me find a boo. But, as we discussed in a previous post, he is a fan of "no strings attached" sex and I am NOT. So, since we're not on the same page, I'll hold out until I run into someone who shares my sentiment on that. *sigh*
4) Facebook. I love it. I’m obsessed! I’m on it all day, everyday! I found this way to make myself only appear online to some people because I kept getting these random IMs from people I hadn’t spoken with in YEARS, asking me why I was on FB all day! It was embarrassing. So I figured if I made myself invisible to most people, then I can play around on FB whenever I want and nobody would know how obsessed I am… er… I mean… damn, I guess now the cat is out of the bag! Anyway, I tried to “detox” from Facebook a few months ago and wouldn’t let myself log on even once during the work week. I started on Monday, but by Thursday was so compelled to login, I broke my promise to myself logged in to see how many notifications I had. Lol! Pathetic. My sorry ass couldn’t even make it to Friday! I have to break the hold this thing has on me!
5) I want to move. Not just to a new place, but to a new city!! A new state! A new country! Okay, not a new country. I love the US of A way too much to cross borders and shit, but still… I need a change of scenery and a change of pace. I’m starting to feel like I’ve outgrown this city of mine, which makes sense since I was born and raised here. It just seems like every time I go out, I see the SAME people, I am constantly frequenting the SAME venues, and I end up with the SAME results – utter boredom. So, I want to move. Let’s face it, I’d really like to relocate to New York, and New York ONLY. No other location seems remotely appealing to me right now. If I wasn’t going to live in New York, then DC is the only other place I’d rather be. So, why is it so dang hard to pick up and move?! I’ve been asking myself that for 10 years now! For some reason, it’s not getting any easier. *sigh*
That’s all I’ve got for you at this moment. I’ll be back to shoot more random shit tomorrow (or the next day).
Toodles,
LBG
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Fanning old flames...
I just realized that I totally jacked up the formatting of my last post AND I cut off half of James's original article! But like I said, it was past 3:30 in the morning when I entered that last post and I hadn't slept all night. Then, in the middle of posting, my ride to the airport showed up and I had to jet... literally! Apologies, Jamesy! But I'm sure everyone got the gist and, by the way, I received a lot of positive feedback about your material. You can be a guest blogger @ Lovely Brown Girl anytime! :)
The 30th birthday celebration is officially over and the time spent in the Caribbean resulted in a delicious tan and five extra pounds!! But it was well worth it. I have NEVER had so much fun on a vacation. EVER! Glorious, glorious fun! The day after I returned to the States, I woke up with a fat lip, which then quickly progressed to a majorly swollen face! I was horrified when I looked at my reflection. I ended up calling out sick that day and spent the day icing my face and popping Benadryl like candy, but it was to no avail because the next day I woke up looking like Hitch! I'm telling you, my face looked a hot mess! So I called out again. At this point, I'm sure my boss thought I was making all of this up in an attempt to extend my vacation. But no such luck... I called out sick because I was really, really not in a position to show my face to anyone outside of my immediate family. My mother drove me to the doctor on Thursday and she kept stealing glances at me and making these weird faces (my mother is a lot like me in that she has a hard time controlling her facial expressions!). "Why do you keep looking at me like I'm some walking freak show?!" I snapped. "Sorry," she mumbled, quickly turning away. Yeah... my face was THAT bad. It was even beyond a face that "only a mother could love". My doctor, whom I ordinarily love, had very little to offer in terms of what was happening to me. She suggested that it could be a result of sun poisoning. And, believe me, I was definitely in the sun enough to have been poisoned. I was laying out from sun-up to sun-down, which was probably not a good idea seeing as I didn't use any sunblock the whole time I was away. (Hey, I am a BROWN girl, remember? We don't burn!) She also said it was possible that I could've gotten it from a tropical fruit like pineapple, or maybe, possibly I'd been bitten by some tropical bug during the night and my body was reacting. Whatever the case, I looked a hot mess and earned myself two additional sick days tacked on to my already too-long vacation and that resulted in a one-day work week that started and ended TODAY!
I still looked a mess when I walked in to work, but at least my boss knew I had not been lying to her. The minute I walked in, she gasped. Apparently, my face was taking everyone by surprise! But, whatever. She wanted me to come in to work, and I came in. Now, she was going to have to deal with looking at me all day. That's what she gets! I was sitting at my desk catching up on emails when an IM pops up from my friend Deon. D and I went to high school together and he's definitely a looker, but he just doesn't see it. An interested woman would have to hit him over the head with a frying pan before he would get that she was interested. He can be just that dense when it comes to affairs of the heart. That's why it didn't surprise me when I read this:
4:01 PM Deon: hey i got a message from a girl i went on a date with 7 years ago
on facebook
4:02 PM so im really confused
why she would contact me?
Brown Girl: lol
Deon: she is married w/ kids
BG: maybe she just wanted to say hi?
LOL
what did the mssg say?
Deon: Hi Deon,
I hope you remember me...it's Melissa!
We met about 7 years ago at the grocery store, went on a couple of "dates"...I've always wondered how you were. Let me know if you remember me, okay...
4:03 PM BG: uhh... clearly she's unhappily married?!
LOL
wow
Deon: theres more
BG: uh oh
4:04 PM ok
Deon: me: Yes it's me... How is everything?
her: I'm great. Married with two beautiful daughters, Krista is 4 and Grace is 2. I live in Delaware and I've been working at a hotel now for 5 years. How are you? Married? Kids? You still look the same...
Deon: Congrats on Marriage and the kids. I'm good. Single and living in DC
4:05 PM BG: k
i see where this is going
LOL
Deon: her: Still single, huh? I thought for sure you would be married with beautiful babies by now. I would love to see you and catch-up...I will be in DC on K Street next week for happy hour. A bunch of my friends and I are celebrating our birthdays with dinner and a little dancing. If you can make it, let me know...My cell number is XXX-XXX-XXXX
Deon: Things have been really busy lately...so I'll let you know next week
her: So, still single? I find that hard to believe. The Deon I remember was quite the charmer, witty, and has the most beautiful eyes ever!
4:09 PM BG: ooooh boy
yeah, that sounds like trouble
LOL!!
Deon: yeah ... thats what i thought as well
4:10 PM thought this was strange
not sure what to do about this
Wow. A MARRIED woman is making an attempt to link up with Deon - a single man she once dated - and proceeds to throw a slew of compliments his way in an attempt to lure him to the meeting place. I find it interesting that she would be so bold. And I wonder what would make Melissa contact Deon so many years later. Facebook and the internet, man... their power is often used for evil and not for good. But I just find stories like this so interesting. I mean, sure... I often think back to guys that I've dated in the past and wonder what happened to them. And sometimes, I even reach out just to say hey and see if anything interesting is going on with them. A handful of them were even cute and/or intriguing enough for me to be a little flirtatious when I reached out. But will I continue to do that sort of thing when I'm married? Geez, I hope not! And, believe it or not, it's not the first time I've heard something like this.
Several months ago, I had a conversation with Mystery Man about something similar. An old girlfriend from college emailed him out of the blue. This girl had broken his heart by dumping him for some jock and then marrying him a few years later. She'd Googled him and found his website and sent an email gushing about how she never should've married the jock and, instead, should've stayed with him. Clearly, she was unhappily married (with children), and she was mourning what "could've been" had she continued her relationship with MM. So, she tells him that she is coming to his city to visit an aunt in February and she hoped that the two of them could get together.
"You know she's making up a reason to visit. I bet she probably doesn't even have an aunt in your city?"
"You don't think so?" he asked.
"Heck no!" I laughed.
"So, when she comes to visit this phantom aunt, are you going to see her?"
"'Phantom' aunt?! That's funny!" he says.
"Well, are you?"
"Probably not. I might have to travel for work that weekend. Or at least that's what I'm going to tell her."
Dude, what?! "Probably not?!" This woman is married!! Anyway, I guess I shouldn't judge him because clearly she's the one who initiated this... and she's the one who is making up fake family members to visit in hopes of rekindling an old flame with her high school boyfriend.
Man, even though this happened days ago, I am still LOLing at unhappily married women contacting men from their pasts and making FB and email propositions. But actually, this is not a laughing matter. This is actually really, really sad. When your marriage is that bad, it seems to me that instead of trying to rekindle sparks, you should instead focus on either improving the marriage that you have, or taking steps to get out of it... BEFORE you go trying to start an extra-relationship with some old boyfriend. Granted, these two women are not representative of the myriad married women in the world, but the fact that I personally know of at least two who are trying to reconnect with old "friends" over the internet leads me to believe that this may be a pretty common occurrence.
I always knew that dating sucked, but... does marriage suck just as bad? I'm starting to lose hope again. *sigh*
The 30th birthday celebration is officially over and the time spent in the Caribbean resulted in a delicious tan and five extra pounds!! But it was well worth it. I have NEVER had so much fun on a vacation. EVER! Glorious, glorious fun! The day after I returned to the States, I woke up with a fat lip, which then quickly progressed to a majorly swollen face! I was horrified when I looked at my reflection. I ended up calling out sick that day and spent the day icing my face and popping Benadryl like candy, but it was to no avail because the next day I woke up looking like Hitch! I'm telling you, my face looked a hot mess! So I called out again. At this point, I'm sure my boss thought I was making all of this up in an attempt to extend my vacation. But no such luck... I called out sick because I was really, really not in a position to show my face to anyone outside of my immediate family. My mother drove me to the doctor on Thursday and she kept stealing glances at me and making these weird faces (my mother is a lot like me in that she has a hard time controlling her facial expressions!). "Why do you keep looking at me like I'm some walking freak show?!" I snapped. "Sorry," she mumbled, quickly turning away. Yeah... my face was THAT bad. It was even beyond a face that "only a mother could love". My doctor, whom I ordinarily love, had very little to offer in terms of what was happening to me. She suggested that it could be a result of sun poisoning. And, believe me, I was definitely in the sun enough to have been poisoned. I was laying out from sun-up to sun-down, which was probably not a good idea seeing as I didn't use any sunblock the whole time I was away. (Hey, I am a BROWN girl, remember? We don't burn!) She also said it was possible that I could've gotten it from a tropical fruit like pineapple, or maybe, possibly I'd been bitten by some tropical bug during the night and my body was reacting. Whatever the case, I looked a hot mess and earned myself two additional sick days tacked on to my already too-long vacation and that resulted in a one-day work week that started and ended TODAY!
I still looked a mess when I walked in to work, but at least my boss knew I had not been lying to her. The minute I walked in, she gasped. Apparently, my face was taking everyone by surprise! But, whatever. She wanted me to come in to work, and I came in. Now, she was going to have to deal with looking at me all day. That's what she gets! I was sitting at my desk catching up on emails when an IM pops up from my friend Deon. D and I went to high school together and he's definitely a looker, but he just doesn't see it. An interested woman would have to hit him over the head with a frying pan before he would get that she was interested. He can be just that dense when it comes to affairs of the heart. That's why it didn't surprise me when I read this:
4:01 PM Deon: hey i got a message from a girl i went on a date with 7 years ago
on facebook
4:02 PM so im really confused
why she would contact me?
Brown Girl: lol
Deon: she is married w/ kids
BG: maybe she just wanted to say hi?
LOL
what did the mssg say?
Deon: Hi Deon,
I hope you remember me...it's Melissa!
We met about 7 years ago at the grocery store, went on a couple of "dates"...I've always wondered how you were. Let me know if you remember me, okay...
4:03 PM BG: uhh... clearly she's unhappily married?!
LOL
wow
Deon: theres more
BG: uh oh
4:04 PM ok
Deon: me: Yes it's me... How is everything?
her: I'm great. Married with two beautiful daughters, Krista is 4 and Grace is 2. I live in Delaware and I've been working at a hotel now for 5 years. How are you? Married? Kids? You still look the same...
Deon: Congrats on Marriage and the kids. I'm good. Single and living in DC
4:05 PM BG: k
i see where this is going
LOL
Deon: her: Still single, huh? I thought for sure you would be married with beautiful babies by now. I would love to see you and catch-up...I will be in DC on K Street next week for happy hour. A bunch of my friends and I are celebrating our birthdays with dinner and a little dancing. If you can make it, let me know...My cell number is XXX-XXX-XXXX
Deon: Things have been really busy lately...so I'll let you know next week
her: So, still single? I find that hard to believe. The Deon I remember was quite the charmer, witty, and has the most beautiful eyes ever!
4:09 PM BG: ooooh boy
yeah, that sounds like trouble
LOL!!
Deon: yeah ... thats what i thought as well
4:10 PM thought this was strange
not sure what to do about this
Wow. A MARRIED woman is making an attempt to link up with Deon - a single man she once dated - and proceeds to throw a slew of compliments his way in an attempt to lure him to the meeting place. I find it interesting that she would be so bold. And I wonder what would make Melissa contact Deon so many years later. Facebook and the internet, man... their power is often used for evil and not for good. But I just find stories like this so interesting. I mean, sure... I often think back to guys that I've dated in the past and wonder what happened to them. And sometimes, I even reach out just to say hey and see if anything interesting is going on with them. A handful of them were even cute and/or intriguing enough for me to be a little flirtatious when I reached out. But will I continue to do that sort of thing when I'm married? Geez, I hope not! And, believe it or not, it's not the first time I've heard something like this.
Several months ago, I had a conversation with Mystery Man about something similar. An old girlfriend from college emailed him out of the blue. This girl had broken his heart by dumping him for some jock and then marrying him a few years later. She'd Googled him and found his website and sent an email gushing about how she never should've married the jock and, instead, should've stayed with him. Clearly, she was unhappily married (with children), and she was mourning what "could've been" had she continued her relationship with MM. So, she tells him that she is coming to his city to visit an aunt in February and she hoped that the two of them could get together.
"You know she's making up a reason to visit. I bet she probably doesn't even have an aunt in your city?"
"You don't think so?" he asked.
"Heck no!" I laughed.
"So, when she comes to visit this phantom aunt, are you going to see her?"
"'Phantom' aunt?! That's funny!" he says.
"Well, are you?"
"Probably not. I might have to travel for work that weekend. Or at least that's what I'm going to tell her."
Dude, what?! "Probably not?!" This woman is married!! Anyway, I guess I shouldn't judge him because clearly she's the one who initiated this... and she's the one who is making up fake family members to visit in hopes of rekindling an old flame with her high school boyfriend.
Man, even though this happened days ago, I am still LOLing at unhappily married women contacting men from their pasts and making FB and email propositions. But actually, this is not a laughing matter. This is actually really, really sad. When your marriage is that bad, it seems to me that instead of trying to rekindle sparks, you should instead focus on either improving the marriage that you have, or taking steps to get out of it... BEFORE you go trying to start an extra-relationship with some old boyfriend. Granted, these two women are not representative of the myriad married women in the world, but the fact that I personally know of at least two who are trying to reconnect with old "friends" over the internet leads me to believe that this may be a pretty common occurrence.
I always knew that dating sucked, but... does marriage suck just as bad? I'm starting to lose hope again. *sigh*
Monday, June 08, 2009
The People You Meet on FACEBOOK!
So, its 3:38am on Friday, June 5 and I'm waiting for my ride to the airport so I can catch a flight to the Caribbean to celebrate my 30th birthday. Surreal.
Anywho, I discovered this nifty little thing on Blogger that lets me post things today, but they show up whenever I want them to... who knew!?! So, this post is scheduled to show up on my birthday, which is June 8th. Happy birthday to me! I'm 30! Wow.
I wanted to make sure that you didn't get bored while I was gone, so I went ahead and asked James (jdavermann@yahoo.com) to be Guest Blogger again and he's provided me with another witty, insightful post. This was written a few years ago, so if it sounds dated, that's why! Enjoy!
being a relative term, of course, since I’ve only had any contact with roughly half the people I know on here in person. Does art imitate life, life imitate art, or does Facebook imitate life? Because like life, Facebook certainly has its share of characters. Here are a few...
The Friend You Never Knew You Had
This is the person who randomly adds you as a friend one day, and you’re absolutely certain you guys do NOT know each other. Yet when you go check to see if you have any mutual friends, you see some insane number like 300. How we've managed to have so many friends in common without ever having seen each other is beyond me. Seriously, How the fu-- do we have 300 friends in common and I’ve never met you?? This person has somehow existed in a parallel universe where they’ve been to the same places as you, same events, even met the same people, yet somehow never managed to cross your path until now. Amazing.
The Lovebirds
That friend of yours who is now in a relationship…and wants the world to know. Do they simply list themselves as being ”in a relationship” like normal people? Of course not. Instead they create multiple albums entitled “me and my boo” or “me and my baby” or “I’m in love”…where basically you see about 50 photos of them playing kissy face with their boos in each album….even worse are all their wall signings to each other that show up in your update: “I love you, sweetie” “I miss you, honey”. ABSOLUTELY SICKENING. Two things I find comical about this, though. #1 maybe it’s because I’ve been single for several years, but when the hell did couples ever spend the majority of their time just taking photos of each other together in a room? is that foreplay? #2 When breakup time comes, their entire page gets blown up. They’re now listed as single, albums are missing, photos are missing, notes and poems come down, a depressing status message comes up, and that boyfriend/girlfriend is de-tagged out of existence. You almost wonder if they were ever there in the first place..they disappear worse than one of the twins' exes on sweet valley high. Don't ask me how I know about sweet valley high.
The App Acceptor
This is the person who cannot or will not stop accepting facebook applications, no matter how useless they may be. You go to their wall to say hi, and you end up waiting half an hour for their page to load, because in addition to their regular wall they’ve got a superwall, funwall, top friends, music player, gifts, growing gifts, stickys , scrapboxes…the list goes on. So you say “fukk it” and just send them a note. But it gets worse…they start sending YOU vampire bites and zombie bites and superpokes and compare requests and “you’re a hottie” and motherfucking TV show trivia…wtf??? Tv show trivia??? DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE YOU GOT A 75% ON A ‘FAMILY MATTERS’ QUIZ? SHYT WAS ON FOR 20 YEARS YOU SHOULDA GOT A HUNDRED!
The Repressed Homosexual
For all the men on here…ever had a man send you a “poke”? Put a smiley face at the end of a sentence? Or maybe compliment you on any of your photos? They’ll say something like “looking good in that suit, man!” Pretty weird, isn’t it? It’s because those dudes are BLADES…and trust me, they’re lurking on the book. You suspect something when you get that random friend request, but you let it rock because you don’t want to seem shortsighted or ignorant. They then start signing your wall, commenting on your photos, and sending you notes, all without saying anything overtly gay, but you know better; they’re just a little TOO friendly. I personally raise an eyebrow when dudes I don’t know from Adam start greeting me with exclamation marks in their sentences. But you still don’t have enough hard evidence to rush to judgment. Then one day they hit you up on facebook chat at 3 am with a “hey, you”. If a man hits me up at 3 am it had either better be an emergency, he's in a different time zone, or he has some chicks lined up somewhere for us. Otherwise it gets filed under "gay".
The Birthday Greeters
You wake up one morning and there’s a friendly greeting on your wall…”happy birthday!” That’s strange…you don’t recognize this person…in fact you’ve never met them: It’s that girl you added as a friend a yr ago because you thought she was cute. For whatever reason, she accepted…but you 2 have never so much as said hello to each other. But because her feed shows it’s your birthday, she greets you with it. Still kinda strange but you appreciate it because it’s a nice gesture and she didn’t really have to do it. Then you see the rest of your wall throughout the day…who are these people? When did you make so many friends? Why haven’t we spoken in 364 days? Should I send each one of them a thank you ? (For the record I try to greet them on their b-days as well-no way I’m sending back 300 thank yous.). But there is something to be said for a person you hear from once a year like clockwork. It's like that deadbeat dad who sends you 50 bucks every b-day and proceeds to ignore you the rest of the year.
The person You Haven’t Seen In DUMB LONG
You were real cool w/ this person some years ago but they just vanished off radar one day…until you get that friend request on Facebook. They won’t even send you a message or anything asking how you’ve been…just a friend request. ITS UP TO YOU to then investigate their whereabouts. You hit them up and ask them “where the fukk have you been?” and they tell you “just been working and chilling”. Is that so? For years that's all you've been doing, huh? Motherfu---r, I’ve been doing the exact same thing but people still know where to find my azz!!!
JPD on CGI
JPD stands for Just Plain Delusional. I do believe beauty is subjective. I believe looks are not important. I am not superficial at all. BUT COME ON…WHAT ARE SOME OF THESE PEOPLE THINKING WHEN THEY POST PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES IN THESE CGI GROUPS? Why do you want random strangers rating you? What’s hilarious is that they will get on there and try to argue with all of the people clowning their photo. If you have to try to CONVINCE people that you’re attractive…well… it probably means otherwise. Then there are the ones who post up photos that HIGHLIGHT what might be wrong with the way they look. They’re just asking for trouble. If you have a unibrow, for example, is an extreme closeup really necessary? Is it really a good idea to include your way better looking friend in your photo? Is it really a good idea to appear shirtless if you way 91 pounds?
The Millennium Pic Club
I have 40 photos you can view on facebook and I willingly pose for maybe 12 new ones a year. There are some people on Facebook with 3,000…and counting. That’s a ratio of 80:1. For me to catch up, I would have to quit my job and sit in front of a camera 8 hours a day for 2 years, assuming I could snap 2 photos a minute and had access to 412 double A batteries and 100gb of memory, while giving up up food and water during those periods. The point being that having 3,000 photos on facebook might be a little bit excessive, especially if you’re not employed as a professional model. You do realize we have a pretty decent idea what you look like at about the 20th photo, right?
The Expensive Party Thrower
Say one of your friends has a birthday coming up. They’ll send out a mass note (which appears in your inbox about a half dozen times) announcing the party is at some nightclub, right? But they’ll try to make it seem like its not gonna cost you an arm and a leg to go. The note will typically read something like this:
“Just say you’re on Ramona’s guest list and admission is only 25 dollars before midnight!”
WTF kind of discount is that?
The Excited Freshman
Their page says class of ’13. Yup, this is that naive 17 yr. old headed off to college for the first time so they spend the entire summer prior adding everyone they can find from their school to their friend’s list and go on a wall signing rampage. It goes pretty well at first-until they stumble upon an athlete or frat dude’s page. This is where you better hope they have a strong father figure in their life because things are about to get very interesting from that point on. She can either become a) the groupie/passed around chick with a nickname, or b) the feminist academic who won’t take crap from men. If they ever land on my page I'll try to sway them towards B, although I’m more inclined to turn off my computer and consult with my attorney if I get a friend request from someone whose birthday is 1990.
The Facebook Player
First off, you can’t really be a player on facebook. Well you probably can, but it’s not without its challenges. The problem is, the chicks that you’re fucking like to monitor your wall and photo albums, not just occasionally, but VIGILANTLY. And if there is a woman she suspects has something going on with you, she'll make sure she monitors that page and wall as well. This is the guy who spends an absurd amount of time deleting comments and wall posts from girls that might get him in trouble, or detagging himself out of incriminating pictures he appears in with random women that would arouse suspicion from his main girl. These photos usually include him kissing and cuddling, or have descriptions from the girl putting them up like “me and my boo just hanging out”. He likes to hide his relationship status, so instead of being single or in a relationship, it will simply not have anything there. You can try Limited Profiling yourself but you will come to find that women who have sex with you HATE being limited profiled! Facebook has ruined as many relationships as it’s started, and you can be damned certain that your girl(s) is monitoring your page as we speak. So unless your women are all really stupid, one of them will notice the constant deletions or get to your page before you do. Then you end up like this guy:
http://dontdatehimgirl.com/posts/144276/
The Enthusiastic Tagger
This person will tag everyone and everything they can in every photo that they take. They'll even go to OTHER people's photos and start tagging people they know on there as well. Sometimes they’ll tag someone who just randomly wandered into the background. They'll even tag people who are NOT on facebook. This practice isn’t bad in itself, but it gets ridiculous once they start tagging people’s body parts that just made the frame…like a leg or the back of a person’s head. I can assure you, no one will be scanning your photos looking for Valerie’s arm or Jason’s elbow.
The Frienemy
You accepted this person’s friend request because you vaguely remember them from school... but some time later you realize something: you hate this guy’s guts. In fact, you’ve NEVER liked this guy, but for some reason they always considered you a friend. Then you find out they haven’t changed a bit. The reason you hated them in the first place is because they’re egotistical, pretentious, arrogant, brag too much, and are selfish. So you try to be nice and ask them what’s going on, and they send back a paragraph on your wall bragging about what they’re doing, what degrees they have, what model chick they’re dating, how much money they have, places they’ve been, etc. you’d like to write back and let them know you could give 2 fucks, but restrain yourself because doing so would mean you DO care. It’s a losing battle, man.
The TMI Feeder
Ever have someone you know leave something totally inappropriate on your wall? It’s like they don’t realize all of your mutual friends will see it in their feed. I’ve read stuff like “what happened with that guy you went home with last night?” or “still waiting on my STD results keep your fingers crossed!”
The Wall Terrorist
Aptly named, because this person literally blows up your wall. You ask them what’s up? They respond with a 2 paragraph biography…on your wall. You try to end the wall exchange by saying “ok, thanks talk to you soon” and sure enough you get a response 4 minutes later...on your wall. You ignore that last response and they just tack on something else in a couple hours...on your wall. These people are intent on actually carrying an entire adult conversation via your walls, and seem to have all the time and resources in the world to accomplish this. Can anything stop them?
The guy with no shot
This is the guy on facebook who has a crush on someone, but makes it ridiculously obvious. He always leaves a complimentary comment on any new photo she adds, and the compliments in question are usually so transparent you can picture the drool on his keyboard. But you notice she never hits him back. He tags her first in anything he writes, but she won't even respond to that. In fact, if he wasn’t the one hitting her up each time, they would never speak. For some reason, he thinks communicating via facebook increases the odds that she’ll go out with him, but that’s about as likely as having a black president Michael Jackson getting a babysitting reference.
Jeff Johnson
No introductions necessary. I'm Pretty sure every single person who reads this knows who I'm talking about. This man knows everyone-I mean everyone- on Facebook, even more so than the creators. I believe he is the one they call on for any Beta testing. There isn't an application that gets put in without his approval. What I'm trying to say is that this man is quite possibly Facebook's version of a higher power. Yup, God MC, him, J-hova. Were Facebook to go public, I suspect that his shares would be worth north of a billion dollars. To put things into perspective, since 2003, I've had about 1300 people sign my wall. In that same timeframe, I believe he has amassed 6 million. Let us pray.
Anywho, I discovered this nifty little thing on Blogger that lets me post things today, but they show up whenever I want them to... who knew!?! So, this post is scheduled to show up on my birthday, which is June 8th. Happy birthday to me! I'm 30! Wow.
I wanted to make sure that you didn't get bored while I was gone, so I went ahead and asked James (jdavermann@yahoo.com) to be Guest Blogger again and he's provided me with another witty, insightful post. This was written a few years ago, so if it sounds dated, that's why! Enjoy!
being a relative term, of course, since I’ve only had any contact with roughly half the people I know on here in person. Does art imitate life, life imitate art, or does Facebook imitate life? Because like life, Facebook certainly has its share of characters. Here are a few...
The Friend You Never Knew You Had
This is the person who randomly adds you as a friend one day, and you’re absolutely certain you guys do NOT know each other. Yet when you go check to see if you have any mutual friends, you see some insane number like 300. How we've managed to have so many friends in common without ever having seen each other is beyond me. Seriously, How the fu-- do we have 300 friends in common and I’ve never met you?? This person has somehow existed in a parallel universe where they’ve been to the same places as you, same events, even met the same people, yet somehow never managed to cross your path until now. Amazing.
The Lovebirds
That friend of yours who is now in a relationship…and wants the world to know. Do they simply list themselves as being ”in a relationship” like normal people? Of course not. Instead they create multiple albums entitled “me and my boo” or “me and my baby” or “I’m in love”…where basically you see about 50 photos of them playing kissy face with their boos in each album….even worse are all their wall signings to each other that show up in your update: “I love you, sweetie” “I miss you, honey”. ABSOLUTELY SICKENING. Two things I find comical about this, though. #1 maybe it’s because I’ve been single for several years, but when the hell did couples ever spend the majority of their time just taking photos of each other together in a room? is that foreplay? #2 When breakup time comes, their entire page gets blown up. They’re now listed as single, albums are missing, photos are missing, notes and poems come down, a depressing status message comes up, and that boyfriend/girlfriend is de-tagged out of existence. You almost wonder if they were ever there in the first place..they disappear worse than one of the twins' exes on sweet valley high. Don't ask me how I know about sweet valley high.
The App Acceptor
This is the person who cannot or will not stop accepting facebook applications, no matter how useless they may be. You go to their wall to say hi, and you end up waiting half an hour for their page to load, because in addition to their regular wall they’ve got a superwall, funwall, top friends, music player, gifts, growing gifts, stickys , scrapboxes…the list goes on. So you say “fukk it” and just send them a note. But it gets worse…they start sending YOU vampire bites and zombie bites and superpokes and compare requests and “you’re a hottie” and motherfucking TV show trivia…wtf??? Tv show trivia??? DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE YOU GOT A 75% ON A ‘FAMILY MATTERS’ QUIZ? SHYT WAS ON FOR 20 YEARS YOU SHOULDA GOT A HUNDRED!
The Repressed Homosexual
For all the men on here…ever had a man send you a “poke”? Put a smiley face at the end of a sentence? Or maybe compliment you on any of your photos? They’ll say something like “looking good in that suit, man!” Pretty weird, isn’t it? It’s because those dudes are BLADES…and trust me, they’re lurking on the book. You suspect something when you get that random friend request, but you let it rock because you don’t want to seem shortsighted or ignorant. They then start signing your wall, commenting on your photos, and sending you notes, all without saying anything overtly gay, but you know better; they’re just a little TOO friendly. I personally raise an eyebrow when dudes I don’t know from Adam start greeting me with exclamation marks in their sentences. But you still don’t have enough hard evidence to rush to judgment. Then one day they hit you up on facebook chat at 3 am with a “hey, you”. If a man hits me up at 3 am it had either better be an emergency, he's in a different time zone, or he has some chicks lined up somewhere for us. Otherwise it gets filed under "gay".
The Birthday Greeters
You wake up one morning and there’s a friendly greeting on your wall…”happy birthday!” That’s strange…you don’t recognize this person…in fact you’ve never met them: It’s that girl you added as a friend a yr ago because you thought she was cute. For whatever reason, she accepted…but you 2 have never so much as said hello to each other. But because her feed shows it’s your birthday, she greets you with it. Still kinda strange but you appreciate it because it’s a nice gesture and she didn’t really have to do it. Then you see the rest of your wall throughout the day…who are these people? When did you make so many friends? Why haven’t we spoken in 364 days? Should I send each one of them a thank you ? (For the record I try to greet them on their b-days as well-no way I’m sending back 300 thank yous.). But there is something to be said for a person you hear from once a year like clockwork. It's like that deadbeat dad who sends you 50 bucks every b-day and proceeds to ignore you the rest of the year.
The person You Haven’t Seen In DUMB LONG
You were real cool w/ this person some years ago but they just vanished off radar one day…until you get that friend request on Facebook. They won’t even send you a message or anything asking how you’ve been…just a friend request. ITS UP TO YOU to then investigate their whereabouts. You hit them up and ask them “where the fukk have you been?” and they tell you “just been working and chilling”. Is that so? For years that's all you've been doing, huh? Motherfu---r, I’ve been doing the exact same thing but people still know where to find my azz!!!
JPD on CGI
JPD stands for Just Plain Delusional. I do believe beauty is subjective. I believe looks are not important. I am not superficial at all. BUT COME ON…WHAT ARE SOME OF THESE PEOPLE THINKING WHEN THEY POST PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES IN THESE CGI GROUPS? Why do you want random strangers rating you? What’s hilarious is that they will get on there and try to argue with all of the people clowning their photo. If you have to try to CONVINCE people that you’re attractive…well… it probably means otherwise. Then there are the ones who post up photos that HIGHLIGHT what might be wrong with the way they look. They’re just asking for trouble. If you have a unibrow, for example, is an extreme closeup really necessary? Is it really a good idea to include your way better looking friend in your photo? Is it really a good idea to appear shirtless if you way 91 pounds?
The Millennium Pic Club
I have 40 photos you can view on facebook and I willingly pose for maybe 12 new ones a year. There are some people on Facebook with 3,000…and counting. That’s a ratio of 80:1. For me to catch up, I would have to quit my job and sit in front of a camera 8 hours a day for 2 years, assuming I could snap 2 photos a minute and had access to 412 double A batteries and 100gb of memory, while giving up up food and water during those periods. The point being that having 3,000 photos on facebook might be a little bit excessive, especially if you’re not employed as a professional model. You do realize we have a pretty decent idea what you look like at about the 20th photo, right?
The Expensive Party Thrower
Say one of your friends has a birthday coming up. They’ll send out a mass note (which appears in your inbox about a half dozen times) announcing the party is at some nightclub, right? But they’ll try to make it seem like its not gonna cost you an arm and a leg to go. The note will typically read something like this:
“Just say you’re on Ramona’s guest list and admission is only 25 dollars before midnight!”
WTF kind of discount is that?
The Excited Freshman
Their page says class of ’13. Yup, this is that naive 17 yr. old headed off to college for the first time so they spend the entire summer prior adding everyone they can find from their school to their friend’s list and go on a wall signing rampage. It goes pretty well at first-until they stumble upon an athlete or frat dude’s page. This is where you better hope they have a strong father figure in their life because things are about to get very interesting from that point on. She can either become a) the groupie/passed around chick with a nickname, or b) the feminist academic who won’t take crap from men. If they ever land on my page I'll try to sway them towards B, although I’m more inclined to turn off my computer and consult with my attorney if I get a friend request from someone whose birthday is 1990.
The Facebook Player
First off, you can’t really be a player on facebook. Well you probably can, but it’s not without its challenges. The problem is, the chicks that you’re fucking like to monitor your wall and photo albums, not just occasionally, but VIGILANTLY. And if there is a woman she suspects has something going on with you, she'll make sure she monitors that page and wall as well. This is the guy who spends an absurd amount of time deleting comments and wall posts from girls that might get him in trouble, or detagging himself out of incriminating pictures he appears in with random women that would arouse suspicion from his main girl. These photos usually include him kissing and cuddling, or have descriptions from the girl putting them up like “me and my boo just hanging out”. He likes to hide his relationship status, so instead of being single or in a relationship, it will simply not have anything there. You can try Limited Profiling yourself but you will come to find that women who have sex with you HATE being limited profiled! Facebook has ruined as many relationships as it’s started, and you can be damned certain that your girl(s) is monitoring your page as we speak. So unless your women are all really stupid, one of them will notice the constant deletions or get to your page before you do. Then you end up like this guy:
http://dontdatehimgirl.com/posts/144276/
The Enthusiastic Tagger
This person will tag everyone and everything they can in every photo that they take. They'll even go to OTHER people's photos and start tagging people they know on there as well. Sometimes they’ll tag someone who just randomly wandered into the background. They'll even tag people who are NOT on facebook. This practice isn’t bad in itself, but it gets ridiculous once they start tagging people’s body parts that just made the frame…like a leg or the back of a person’s head. I can assure you, no one will be scanning your photos looking for Valerie’s arm or Jason’s elbow.
The Frienemy
You accepted this person’s friend request because you vaguely remember them from school... but some time later you realize something: you hate this guy’s guts. In fact, you’ve NEVER liked this guy, but for some reason they always considered you a friend. Then you find out they haven’t changed a bit. The reason you hated them in the first place is because they’re egotistical, pretentious, arrogant, brag too much, and are selfish. So you try to be nice and ask them what’s going on, and they send back a paragraph on your wall bragging about what they’re doing, what degrees they have, what model chick they’re dating, how much money they have, places they’ve been, etc. you’d like to write back and let them know you could give 2 fucks, but restrain yourself because doing so would mean you DO care. It’s a losing battle, man.
The TMI Feeder
Ever have someone you know leave something totally inappropriate on your wall? It’s like they don’t realize all of your mutual friends will see it in their feed. I’ve read stuff like “what happened with that guy you went home with last night?” or “still waiting on my STD results keep your fingers crossed!”
The Wall Terrorist
Aptly named, because this person literally blows up your wall. You ask them what’s up? They respond with a 2 paragraph biography…on your wall. You try to end the wall exchange by saying “ok, thanks talk to you soon” and sure enough you get a response 4 minutes later...on your wall. You ignore that last response and they just tack on something else in a couple hours...on your wall. These people are intent on actually carrying an entire adult conversation via your walls, and seem to have all the time and resources in the world to accomplish this. Can anything stop them?
The guy with no shot
This is the guy on facebook who has a crush on someone, but makes it ridiculously obvious. He always leaves a complimentary comment on any new photo she adds, and the compliments in question are usually so transparent you can picture the drool on his keyboard. But you notice she never hits him back. He tags her first in anything he writes, but she won't even respond to that. In fact, if he wasn’t the one hitting her up each time, they would never speak. For some reason, he thinks communicating via facebook increases the odds that she’ll go out with him, but that’s about as likely as having a black president Michael Jackson getting a babysitting reference.
Jeff Johnson
No introductions necessary. I'm Pretty sure every single person who reads this knows who I'm talking about. This man knows everyone-I mean everyone- on Facebook, even more so than the creators. I believe he is the one they call on for any Beta testing. There isn't an application that gets put in without his approval. What I'm trying to say is that this man is quite possibly Facebook's version of a higher power. Yup, God MC, him, J-hova. Were Facebook to go public, I suspect that his shares would be worth north of a billion dollars. To put things into perspective, since 2003, I've had about 1300 people sign my wall. In that same timeframe, I believe he has amassed 6 million. Let us pray.
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