HOPE

So, I finally decided that this blog will be all about relationships, and now I’m afraid that I’ll soon run out of things to talk about here. Especially because I’ve recently decided to give up on men and romance and all that junk… at least for the foreseeable future.

Stop LOLing. I'm serious.

As I was walking the dog tonight, I looked back over the last year or so of my life and realized that I’ve been disappointed by EVERY man I’ve dated since… well, actually, since FOREVER. The thought made me chuckle, but there’s not a thing funny about it. My relationships with men have been a major disappointment in my adult life.

In less than 30 days, I’ll be 30 years old, and while I’ve mentioned here that 30 is my “scary” age, I’m actually going to welcome this new decade with open arms. I mean, the way I’ve got it figured, anything has got to be better than these last 10 years! My 20s were basically one romantic disappointment after another. And I guess I’ll keep on being disappointed until I meet the man that doesn’t disappointment anymore… you know, The ONE. Then again, I suppose even he will disappoint me at some point. After all... he will be human (I hope), but maybe he’ll actually feel bad about disappointing me, and maybe he’ll actually try hard to correct his mistakes or to keep them from happening in the first place. Maybe…

So, I haven’t heard a peep from the Older Man and it’s just as well because the more that I contemplate that whole situation, the more I realize that the Older Man was just infatuated with the idea of me and I was infatuated with the fact that he found me worthy of infatuation. That was the extent of our relationship. It never would’ve worked between us… infatuation starts off ferociously, and then it ends. Rather suddenly, I might add. Our little situation is proof of the temporary nature of infatuation. But it was a great learning experience! (silver lining)

And Mystery Man... *sigh*

What can I say about Mystery Man? Well, for one… he’s not a “mystery” anymore. I’m not really sure why I started calling him that in the first place. It’s just that I tried to be as vague as I could about his identity because I suspected that he read the blog and I didn’t want him finding out how I felt before I had a chance to express my feelings to him. But recently, Mystery Man discovered his identity (with no help from me!). And he also discovered the existence of the Older Man and Charlie. He was none too happy about the fact that they had been in the picture and he didn’t know about them. He confronted me about the Older Man and Charlie after he read my last post. I was genuinely confused by the confrontation because I was certain that when we’d had “the talk” he said he wasn’t interested in pursuing things with me any further. I’m pretty positive that’s what he said because otherwise, I wouldn’t have cried most of the way home after we had that conversation. But it turns out that he has feelings for me and reading about me and other men made him uncomfortable. And here I thought it was safe for me to date other people because he had given up the right to question my relationships with others when he told me to my face that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Guess I thought wrong!

I swear I’ll never understand these dudes. So, Mystery Man doesn’t want me, but doesn’t really want anyone else to have me either. It’s a classic case of a man wanting his cake and eating it too (What a strange saying… what in the world does that mean? Of course you want cake and also want to eat it! Who doesn't want to eat cake?). But anyway, what a horrible conversation that confrontation turned into. I basically spent the entire time pouring out my heart to him and trying to convince him that the Older Man and Charlie weren’t “significant” relationships, and that he was the one that I really wanted to be with (which is the absolute truth).

Now, let’s remember that I’d already TOLD him that he was my priority when we’d last seen each other. In fact, I’ve told him this repeatedly – well, not the part about the Older Man and Charlie, but the part about him being the one that I want – in nearly every conversation we’ve had in the last 8 or 9 months. It’s not like he doesn’t know how I feel. But, yet, I felt a need to keep reminding him of my feelings over and over again because I felt like he must not understand what I’d been saying or something (although I’ve been very clear about everything).

Anyway, I spill my guts to him during this conversation, and although he’d initiated the confrontation about the other men in my life and revealed that he had feelings for me, he just listened to me gush and then spent the remainder of the time trying to convince me that things wouldn’t work between us because of his schedule and the fact that he’s been hurt in the past and doesn’t “have room” in his heart for romance.

Soooo… basically, I played myself. And then, I played myself again. About a month ago, whenI initiated that conversation about where we stood, he told me that he didn’t want to start a serious relationship with anyone. And I was okay with that. I just took it to mean that he didn’t have time to devote to a relationship given his hectic travel schedule and the other demands of his career. Based on those reasons, I could understand why he'd want to keep things casual.

But, then, this past weekend, he divulges information about his ex. Now, this is the ex about whom he has “unresolved” feelings. This is the ex who, despite being an “ex” for quite some time, continues to influence this man’s personal life. Well, this very same ex, who is hearing her biological clock ticking in her ear (she’s 35… yikes! That’s WAY scarier than 30), has decided to circle back to my Mystery Man and try her hand again. Yep, that's right. She wants to get back together with him, but... he’s not sure what to do.

Yes, I said HE IS NOT SURE WHAT TO DO. So, do you see the mixed message in all of this? He says he didn’t want to be in a relationship. But the ex comes back on the scene and all of a sudden, the possibility of a relationship is back on the table. If he legitimately didn't want to be in a relationship, the answer would've been a clear and resounding "no". But, it wasn't. The answer was an "I'm not sure what to do," which is just a painful reminder to yours truly that it’s not that my Mystery Man doesn’t want to be in any old relationship… it’s that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with ME.

In a nutshell, he’s just not that into me. That’s a real slap in the face, but such is life, I suppose. Man I tell you, being disappointed is never a good feeling, but being disappointed by someone you held in the highest esteem is even worse. Suffice it to say, this is a pretty big letdown. After he told me that he was thinking of getting back with the ex, I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. But, as the song goes – everybody plays the fool sometimes… especially when it comes to love. And, I am living proof that there’s no exception to that particular rule.


Now, don’t get me wrong… I may come off like I’m being hard on myself, but, honestly, I do think I’m a great catch. I definitely see myself as the marrying kind. In fact, I took a quiz on Facebook (and isn't everything you read on Facebook absolute LAW?) that told me I’d be a “loving” wife. Isn’t that the kind of wife every man would want? Guess not. But, it’s no big deal. My personal belief is that, even in the rough times, one should always look for the lesson. Here, I’ve learned that not every guy that I like is going to like me back... and he may choose someone else over me - for any number of reasons. Not that I haven’t had to learn either of those lessons before… numerous times. I guess I needed to learn them again. And I’m convinced there’s another lesson here somewhere. I refuse to believe that I’m being disappointed continually just for the heck of it. God/the Universe/Mother Earth… one of those beings is trying to teach me something! I’m sure of it!

So, I’m going to stay away from men until I figure out what the true lesson is here, and once I’ve identified that lesson, I plan to learn it, memorize it, and then take it with me into my next dating situation. Because, believe it or not, I do plan to date again. Just not anytime soon. It’ll take a miracle to pull me back into the game before 2010. That’s my word.

Yes, I’ve been the common denominator in all these disastrous relationships with men, so am I crazy for believing that I’m not really the issue? My friend JD says that I seem to be pretty laid back in relationships, I'm hella understanding and - from what he can see - I don’t place any unreasonable demands on any of the guys that I date. I tend to agree with all of that (of course, I’m a bit biased, but…). So what’s the problem? Why haven’t I found a guy who will appreciate me?

But here's the thing - despite my dismal track record, I still believe that there’s someone out there who’s just right for me… who’ll appreciate all my quirks and will love me flaws and all. someone who will be sure about me from the start. Someone I won't have to convince of my worth...

I know he’s out there. Even though I’ve yet to meet him, I expect to meet him... and I’m confident that he exists and we'll find each other some day... hmm... I believe they call that HOPE.