Well, well, well... I realized that my May 11th post was my 100th post as the Lovely Brown Girl! I cannot believe that I even had enough material to fill 100 (extra-long) posts on here... and I've still got more to say! I felt like that was an accomplishment worth recognizing... Thanks to all of my faithful readers and many thanks to those of you who have shared my blog with your friends, family, and co-workers. Your support and interest in my boring little life is much appreciated! Here's to (at least) 100 more :)
It’s been a long time… I shouldn’t have left you…
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But I’m back. After my ego was beat down enough times, I figured it would be good for me to take a break from all my pontificating and just work on healing myself. I had taken on the project of trying to get myself in the best physical shape I’ve been in since high school, which included a strict eating regimen as well as a pretty rigorous exercise schedule. So, I worked on that and actually managed to get a little over 12 lbs off my frame. I was pleased with my progress because I had planned to lose 15 lbs for my birthday, which is about two weeks away. I don’t know the exact number of days between today and my birthday because I am trying not to countdown since I’m not really that excited about what awaits me when the countdown concludes. But I AM excited about the fact that, when I turn 30, I will not be on American soil… because I am taking a trip to the Caribbean with my girls! Yay! But, of course, I am nowhere near swimsuit-ready and that’s what motivated me to stick so rigidly to my stringent eating/exercise plan.
And then, I had those few episodes with Mystery Man and it was just all too much. So, I totally took a break from eating right and working out for awhile. And, lo and behold, I gained 3 lbs. I mean, what did I expect, I was eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Anyway, what that means is that now, to be down 15 lbs by my birthday, I will have to lose another 7 or so pounds! That sucks! So, after I had my fill of crabs and bbq on Memorial Day, I decided that today would be the day I’d get back on track. I had egg whites, spinach, and coffee for breakfast. I packed my healthy lunch, which included a turkey sandwich on “diet” bread (45 calories a slice), one serving of green peas to go with it (since I’m officially bored with salad), berries, grapes and an apple for my “3rd meal”, and two 100-calorie snack packs to fill in the blanks when the hunger pangs hit. By the end of the day, I was STARVING… my stomach was rumbling, and I was feeling faint and everything! I grabbed my last 100-calorie pack and almost bit my finger off trying to shove the shit down my throat!
I literally couldn’t wait until 5:30 so I could get my happy butt on the train and head home to eat some dinner! The fact that I was so hungry made me really sad. I thought to myself - if this is what it means to be healthy, I am destined for a lifetime of misery!
I have this new friend, y'all... But before I tell you about him, let me ask you a question: Have you ever met someone and immediately known that the only thing you’d get out of knowing them is a broken heart? Yeah, well, this guy… he’s one of THOSE guys.
We’re gonna call this one Tall Dark and Handsome, or TDH for short. And, yes, I do mean this dude is Tall (well over six feet), Dark (a whole lotta chocolate), and Handsome (gorgeous eyes, and a killer smile that I’m sure has broken its share of hearts) and his “swagger” (I hate that term, but it IS very fitting in this case) is off the charts. We met through a friend who gave him a glowing recommendation, and we really hit it off. But, given my dating history with guys who possess loads of good looks and tons of swagger, this all sounds great, but have proven to be nothing but trouble!
Now, before you go stringing me up for breaking my promise to you AND to myself of staying out of the dating game until a bona fide miracle occurs, let me stress that TDH and I are NOT “dating”... for several reasons. For one, we’re long distance. Number two, he’s a “party boy”… he has a very active social life from what I can tell and he's stressed to me that he's "not looking for anything serious", which is a kiss of death in itself, but also directly opposes my desire to be in a healthy romantic relationship. Number three, we haven’t spent any significant "quality" time together, so I don’t think you could call what we’re doing “dating”. I guess that means that, TDH and I are “friends”, but we’re not really friends... if you get my drift. He’s good for a provocative text message here and there, a flirty phone conversation, and he’s great for my self-esteem. He regularly calls me “sexy”, and “beautiful”… and even if he doesn’t mean it, it sure is nice to hear it every now and then.
Anyway, I’ve explained to TDH that I’m celibate and he has made it very clear that he just thinks I’m a great person and he's cool with my sexless-life. He knows that my goal is to abstain until I’m in a committed monogamous relationship, and since he is definitely NOT capable of giving me that right now, we’re just kickin it, and choppin it up on a regular basis but it goes no further than that. But, I have to keep it real - I do think he’s hot and I’d like for him to think I’m hot, too.
I mean, I’ve gotta be honest. Yes, I work out for my own self-esteem, and to make myself healthy on the inside and blah, blah, blah. But, the REAL reason why ANYONE works out and/or diets is because they want people to find them outwardly attractive. And anyone who tries to pretend that they’re working out or denying themselves their favorite foods for any reason other than that is lying. Point blank, period. So, yes, I want TDH to find me attractive. I wanted Mystery Man to find me attractive, too. In fact, when I worked out with my trainer, I would picture Mystery Man in my head as I ran those last five minutes (always the hardest!) on the treadmill. He was my motivation. I’d just gotten it in my head that TDH would be my motivation, and then something happened to totally change my perspective.
So, TDH and some of his friends decide to go away for Memorial Day Weekend and, like they’ve always done for as long as they have been friends, they head to South Beach. Their South Beach trips are famous. Every year, when TDH returns from Miami, he posts pics from the trip on his Facebook page and hundreds of photo comments pop up within minutes because the people, places, and things that he captures with his camera are so outrageous. With the scantily-clad, far-from-respectable girls who go down to Miami for Memorial Day weekend, I can totally understand their motivation for the trip. But, why would any half-way decent respectable woman worth her salt (and over the age of 22) ever go to Miami for Memorial Day weekend? Unless she is just clueless, I’ll never understand this choice.
At any rate, as I’m starving myself at work today trying to get my body ready for the beach, I’m flipping through some of his pictures and I see a few pics of him hugged up with the same random chick throughout his Miami album. Oh… so TDH got himself a boo while he was in Miami, huh? Interesting! (LOL @ the things you find out on Facebook) But as my hunger pangs grew to a crescendo, I noticed something about her… she was fat! I mean, maybe "fat" is insensitive, so I'll say she was more sloppy than anything else. With a penchant for wearing too-small clothing. Complete with VPL (for all the male readers, that stands for visible panty lines), and muffin top (gut hanging over the jeans), but she was posin like she was a contestant on America’s Next Top Model or something! And despite her physical appearance, TDH was lovin her up!
I mean… maybe she has a wonderful personality. Although, if she was anywhere near as old as she looked, she had NO BUSINESS in Miami on Memorial Day, so I highly doubt she’s worthy of me giving her the benefit of the doubt on that! And maybe TDH just has bad taste… but… he also finds me attractive, so I’m going to abandon that line of thought!* Now, I'm not mad at TDH for meeting someone in Miami. After all, Miami during Memorial Day is "hook-up central" and I would think something was wrong with him if he hadn't met at least one chick while he was there (I'm sure there were more, this chick is just the first to post pics on Facebook and tag TDH in them! LOL!). And, really, how can I get upset when I'm SURE that she gave up the goodies and he won't be getting close to mine anytime soon... or ever? So, this is all fair game. But, as I expressed in my last post - my new goal is to look for the lesson, so... here it comes!
Lightbulb moment: So I guess it really IS all about the confidence? You can be 600 lbs, but as long as you think you’re the hottest chick in the game, someone else will think it, too. But if you’re not convinced, 9 times out of 10 it’ll be hard to convince anyone else to believe it. So, I just have to believe in my own beauty and my own sexiness. I can work out 24 hours a day and have six-pack abs, but if I don’t think I’m hot my sexy quotient drops significantly.
Okay. I get it now.
No... I'm serious. I really do get it now.
After I glanced at the pics one more time, I sent TDH a text: “Who’s this chick ur all hugged up with?”
“A girl I met this weekend. Why? U worried I replaced u?”
“Dude, I’m irreplaceable :)”
I’ve said stuff like this before, but this time, I really believed it! I’ve got a ways to go and all, but hey… that was a step in the right direction.
His response: “Damn right ;)”
I smiled to myself. Then, I laid my Blackberry on my desk and went downstairs to get a real snack.
*DISCLAIMER: By many people's standards, I am considered "fat", "chubby", "overweight", "sloppy", etc., and I know those words are hurtful; however, this girl was clearly a mess. Besides, I'm not going to be a slave to political-correctness on this blog, nor will I ever be able to fully rid myself of some of my hypocritical tendencies, so please don't reprimand me for my terminology. Thanks in advance!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
HOPE
So, I finally decided that this blog will be all about relationships, and now I’m afraid that I’ll soon run out of things to talk about here. Especially because I’ve recently decided to give up on men and romance and all that junk… at least for the foreseeable future.
Stop LOLing. I'm serious.
As I was walking the dog tonight, I looked back over the last year or so of my life and realized that I’ve been disappointed by EVERY man I’ve dated since… well, actually, since FOREVER. The thought made me chuckle, but there’s not a thing funny about it. My relationships with men have been a major disappointment in my adult life.
In less than 30 days, I’ll be 30 years old, and while I’ve mentioned here that 30 is my “scary” age, I’m actually going to welcome this new decade with open arms. I mean, the way I’ve got it figured, anything has got to be better than these last 10 years! My 20s were basically one romantic disappointment after another. And I guess I’ll keep on being disappointed until I meet the man that doesn’t disappointment anymore… you know, The ONE. Then again, I suppose even he will disappoint me at some point. After all... he will be human (I hope), but maybe he’ll actually feel bad about disappointing me, and maybe he’ll actually try hard to correct his mistakes or to keep them from happening in the first place. Maybe…
So, I haven’t heard a peep from the Older Man and it’s just as well because the more that I contemplate that whole situation, the more I realize that the Older Man was just infatuated with the idea of me and I was infatuated with the fact that he found me worthy of infatuation. That was the extent of our relationship. It never would’ve worked between us… infatuation starts off ferociously, and then it ends. Rather suddenly, I might add. Our little situation is proof of the temporary nature of infatuation. But it was a great learning experience! (silver lining)
And Mystery Man... *sigh*
What can I say about Mystery Man? Well, for one… he’s not a “mystery” anymore. I’m not really sure why I started calling him that in the first place. It’s just that I tried to be as vague as I could about his identity because I suspected that he read the blog and I didn’t want him finding out how I felt before I had a chance to express my feelings to him. But recently, Mystery Man discovered his identity (with no help from me!). And he also discovered the existence of the Older Man and Charlie. He was none too happy about the fact that they had been in the picture and he didn’t know about them. He confronted me about the Older Man and Charlie after he read my last post. I was genuinely confused by the confrontation because I was certain that when we’d had “the talk” he said he wasn’t interested in pursuing things with me any further. I’m pretty positive that’s what he said because otherwise, I wouldn’t have cried most of the way home after we had that conversation. But it turns out that he has feelings for me and reading about me and other men made him uncomfortable. And here I thought it was safe for me to date other people because he had given up the right to question my relationships with others when he told me to my face that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Guess I thought wrong!
I swear I’ll never understand these dudes. So, Mystery Man doesn’t want me, but doesn’t really want anyone else to have me either. It’s a classic case of a man wanting his cake and eating it too (What a strange saying… what in the world does that mean? Of course you want cake and also want to eat it! Who doesn't want to eat cake?). But anyway, what a horrible conversation that confrontation turned into. I basically spent the entire time pouring out my heart to him and trying to convince him that the Older Man and Charlie weren’t “significant” relationships, and that he was the one that I really wanted to be with (which is the absolute truth).
Now, let’s remember that I’d already TOLD him that he was my priority when we’d last seen each other. In fact, I’ve told him this repeatedly – well, not the part about the Older Man and Charlie, but the part about him being the one that I want – in nearly every conversation we’ve had in the last 8 or 9 months. It’s not like he doesn’t know how I feel. But, yet, I felt a need to keep reminding him of my feelings over and over again because I felt like he must not understand what I’d been saying or something (although I’ve been very clear about everything).
Anyway, I spill my guts to him during this conversation, and although he’d initiated the confrontation about the other men in my life and revealed that he had feelings for me, he just listened to me gush and then spent the remainder of the time trying to convince me that things wouldn’t work between us because of his schedule and the fact that he’s been hurt in the past and doesn’t “have room” in his heart for romance.
Soooo… basically, I played myself. And then, I played myself again. About a month ago, whenI initiated that conversation about where we stood, he told me that he didn’t want to start a serious relationship with anyone. And I was okay with that. I just took it to mean that he didn’t have time to devote to a relationship given his hectic travel schedule and the other demands of his career. Based on those reasons, I could understand why he'd want to keep things casual.
But, then, this past weekend, he divulges information about his ex. Now, this is the ex about whom he has “unresolved” feelings. This is the ex who, despite being an “ex” for quite some time, continues to influence this man’s personal life. Well, this very same ex, who is hearing her biological clock ticking in her ear (she’s 35… yikes! That’s WAY scarier than 30), has decided to circle back to my Mystery Man and try her hand again. Yep, that's right. She wants to get back together with him, but... he’s not sure what to do.
Yes, I said HE IS NOT SURE WHAT TO DO. So, do you see the mixed message in all of this? He says he didn’t want to be in a relationship. But the ex comes back on the scene and all of a sudden, the possibility of a relationship is back on the table. If he legitimately didn't want to be in a relationship, the answer would've been a clear and resounding "no". But, it wasn't. The answer was an "I'm not sure what to do," which is just a painful reminder to yours truly that it’s not that my Mystery Man doesn’t want to be in any old relationship… it’s that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with ME.
In a nutshell, he’s just not that into me. That’s a real slap in the face, but such is life, I suppose. Man I tell you, being disappointed is never a good feeling, but being disappointed by someone you held in the highest esteem is even worse. Suffice it to say, this is a pretty big letdown. After he told me that he was thinking of getting back with the ex, I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. But, as the song goes – everybody plays the fool sometimes… especially when it comes to love. And, I am living proof that there’s no exception to that particular rule.
Now, don’t get me wrong… I may come off like I’m being hard on myself, but, honestly, I do think I’m a great catch. I definitely see myself as the marrying kind. In fact, I took a quiz on Facebook (and isn't everything you read on Facebook absolute LAW?) that told me I’d be a “loving” wife. Isn’t that the kind of wife every man would want? Guess not. But, it’s no big deal. My personal belief is that, even in the rough times, one should always look for the lesson. Here, I’ve learned that not every guy that I like is going to like me back... and he may choose someone else over me - for any number of reasons. Not that I haven’t had to learn either of those lessons before… numerous times. I guess I needed to learn them again. And I’m convinced there’s another lesson here somewhere. I refuse to believe that I’m being disappointed continually just for the heck of it. God/the Universe/Mother Earth… one of those beings is trying to teach me something! I’m sure of it!
So, I’m going to stay away from men until I figure out what the true lesson is here, and once I’ve identified that lesson, I plan to learn it, memorize it, and then take it with me into my next dating situation. Because, believe it or not, I do plan to date again. Just not anytime soon. It’ll take a miracle to pull me back into the game before 2010. That’s my word.
Yes, I’ve been the common denominator in all these disastrous relationships with men, so am I crazy for believing that I’m not really the issue? My friend JD says that I seem to be pretty laid back in relationships, I'm hella understanding and - from what he can see - I don’t place any unreasonable demands on any of the guys that I date. I tend to agree with all of that (of course, I’m a bit biased, but…). So what’s the problem? Why haven’t I found a guy who will appreciate me?
But here's the thing - despite my dismal track record, I still believe that there’s someone out there who’s just right for me… who’ll appreciate all my quirks and will love me flaws and all. someone who will be sure about me from the start. Someone I won't have to convince of my worth...
I know he’s out there. Even though I’ve yet to meet him, I expect to meet him... and I’m confident that he exists and we'll find each other some day... hmm... I believe they call that HOPE.
Stop LOLing. I'm serious.
As I was walking the dog tonight, I looked back over the last year or so of my life and realized that I’ve been disappointed by EVERY man I’ve dated since… well, actually, since FOREVER. The thought made me chuckle, but there’s not a thing funny about it. My relationships with men have been a major disappointment in my adult life.
In less than 30 days, I’ll be 30 years old, and while I’ve mentioned here that 30 is my “scary” age, I’m actually going to welcome this new decade with open arms. I mean, the way I’ve got it figured, anything has got to be better than these last 10 years! My 20s were basically one romantic disappointment after another. And I guess I’ll keep on being disappointed until I meet the man that doesn’t disappointment anymore… you know, The ONE. Then again, I suppose even he will disappoint me at some point. After all... he will be human (I hope), but maybe he’ll actually feel bad about disappointing me, and maybe he’ll actually try hard to correct his mistakes or to keep them from happening in the first place. Maybe…
So, I haven’t heard a peep from the Older Man and it’s just as well because the more that I contemplate that whole situation, the more I realize that the Older Man was just infatuated with the idea of me and I was infatuated with the fact that he found me worthy of infatuation. That was the extent of our relationship. It never would’ve worked between us… infatuation starts off ferociously, and then it ends. Rather suddenly, I might add. Our little situation is proof of the temporary nature of infatuation. But it was a great learning experience! (silver lining)
And Mystery Man... *sigh*
What can I say about Mystery Man? Well, for one… he’s not a “mystery” anymore. I’m not really sure why I started calling him that in the first place. It’s just that I tried to be as vague as I could about his identity because I suspected that he read the blog and I didn’t want him finding out how I felt before I had a chance to express my feelings to him. But recently, Mystery Man discovered his identity (with no help from me!). And he also discovered the existence of the Older Man and Charlie. He was none too happy about the fact that they had been in the picture and he didn’t know about them. He confronted me about the Older Man and Charlie after he read my last post. I was genuinely confused by the confrontation because I was certain that when we’d had “the talk” he said he wasn’t interested in pursuing things with me any further. I’m pretty positive that’s what he said because otherwise, I wouldn’t have cried most of the way home after we had that conversation. But it turns out that he has feelings for me and reading about me and other men made him uncomfortable. And here I thought it was safe for me to date other people because he had given up the right to question my relationships with others when he told me to my face that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Guess I thought wrong!
I swear I’ll never understand these dudes. So, Mystery Man doesn’t want me, but doesn’t really want anyone else to have me either. It’s a classic case of a man wanting his cake and eating it too (What a strange saying… what in the world does that mean? Of course you want cake and also want to eat it! Who doesn't want to eat cake?). But anyway, what a horrible conversation that confrontation turned into. I basically spent the entire time pouring out my heart to him and trying to convince him that the Older Man and Charlie weren’t “significant” relationships, and that he was the one that I really wanted to be with (which is the absolute truth).
Now, let’s remember that I’d already TOLD him that he was my priority when we’d last seen each other. In fact, I’ve told him this repeatedly – well, not the part about the Older Man and Charlie, but the part about him being the one that I want – in nearly every conversation we’ve had in the last 8 or 9 months. It’s not like he doesn’t know how I feel. But, yet, I felt a need to keep reminding him of my feelings over and over again because I felt like he must not understand what I’d been saying or something (although I’ve been very clear about everything).
Anyway, I spill my guts to him during this conversation, and although he’d initiated the confrontation about the other men in my life and revealed that he had feelings for me, he just listened to me gush and then spent the remainder of the time trying to convince me that things wouldn’t work between us because of his schedule and the fact that he’s been hurt in the past and doesn’t “have room” in his heart for romance.
Soooo… basically, I played myself. And then, I played myself again. About a month ago, whenI initiated that conversation about where we stood, he told me that he didn’t want to start a serious relationship with anyone. And I was okay with that. I just took it to mean that he didn’t have time to devote to a relationship given his hectic travel schedule and the other demands of his career. Based on those reasons, I could understand why he'd want to keep things casual.
But, then, this past weekend, he divulges information about his ex. Now, this is the ex about whom he has “unresolved” feelings. This is the ex who, despite being an “ex” for quite some time, continues to influence this man’s personal life. Well, this very same ex, who is hearing her biological clock ticking in her ear (she’s 35… yikes! That’s WAY scarier than 30), has decided to circle back to my Mystery Man and try her hand again. Yep, that's right. She wants to get back together with him, but... he’s not sure what to do.
Yes, I said HE IS NOT SURE WHAT TO DO. So, do you see the mixed message in all of this? He says he didn’t want to be in a relationship. But the ex comes back on the scene and all of a sudden, the possibility of a relationship is back on the table. If he legitimately didn't want to be in a relationship, the answer would've been a clear and resounding "no". But, it wasn't. The answer was an "I'm not sure what to do," which is just a painful reminder to yours truly that it’s not that my Mystery Man doesn’t want to be in any old relationship… it’s that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with ME.
In a nutshell, he’s just not that into me. That’s a real slap in the face, but such is life, I suppose. Man I tell you, being disappointed is never a good feeling, but being disappointed by someone you held in the highest esteem is even worse. Suffice it to say, this is a pretty big letdown. After he told me that he was thinking of getting back with the ex, I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. But, as the song goes – everybody plays the fool sometimes… especially when it comes to love. And, I am living proof that there’s no exception to that particular rule.
Now, don’t get me wrong… I may come off like I’m being hard on myself, but, honestly, I do think I’m a great catch. I definitely see myself as the marrying kind. In fact, I took a quiz on Facebook (and isn't everything you read on Facebook absolute LAW?) that told me I’d be a “loving” wife. Isn’t that the kind of wife every man would want? Guess not. But, it’s no big deal. My personal belief is that, even in the rough times, one should always look for the lesson. Here, I’ve learned that not every guy that I like is going to like me back... and he may choose someone else over me - for any number of reasons. Not that I haven’t had to learn either of those lessons before… numerous times. I guess I needed to learn them again. And I’m convinced there’s another lesson here somewhere. I refuse to believe that I’m being disappointed continually just for the heck of it. God/the Universe/Mother Earth… one of those beings is trying to teach me something! I’m sure of it!
So, I’m going to stay away from men until I figure out what the true lesson is here, and once I’ve identified that lesson, I plan to learn it, memorize it, and then take it with me into my next dating situation. Because, believe it or not, I do plan to date again. Just not anytime soon. It’ll take a miracle to pull me back into the game before 2010. That’s my word.
Yes, I’ve been the common denominator in all these disastrous relationships with men, so am I crazy for believing that I’m not really the issue? My friend JD says that I seem to be pretty laid back in relationships, I'm hella understanding and - from what he can see - I don’t place any unreasonable demands on any of the guys that I date. I tend to agree with all of that (of course, I’m a bit biased, but…). So what’s the problem? Why haven’t I found a guy who will appreciate me?
But here's the thing - despite my dismal track record, I still believe that there’s someone out there who’s just right for me… who’ll appreciate all my quirks and will love me flaws and all. someone who will be sure about me from the start. Someone I won't have to convince of my worth...
I know he’s out there. Even though I’ve yet to meet him, I expect to meet him... and I’m confident that he exists and we'll find each other some day... hmm... I believe they call that HOPE.
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